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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Torment (Edited)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Unicorn Poet
    ASL Info:    23/F/Salem, OR
    Elite Ratio:    5 - 406/272/46
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 713
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1054



    Description:
       I wrote this one a while back, just never posted it. I'm not sure if i'm done with it or not, but i would like to know what you think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTorment (Edited)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Chaos;
    Tearing
    Ripping
    Destroying
    My mind.

    Rage;
    At those
    Who choose
    To be so
    Very unkind.

    Anger;
    Coloring
    Confusing
    Pulling
    Me apart.

    Dismay;
    Towards those
    Who like
    To stomp
    On my heart.

    Hate;
    Burning
    Stinging
    Clouding
    My sight.

    Pain;
    Etched deep
    To cover
    Protect me from
    The light.

    Love;
    Swirling
    Caressing
    Lighting
    My soul.

    Joy;
    Coming from
    That which
    Makes me
    Feel whole.

    Freedom;
    Dancing
    Singing
    Flowing
    From inside.

    Laughter;
    With those
    Who sit
    And joke
    By my side.

    Life;
    Escaping
    Eluding
    Passing
    Us by.

    Peace;
    We yearn
    For it,
    We want it
    BUT WHY?




    Submitted on 2006-10-14 19:51:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It seems as though you're going through a difficult time?
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
      Woah, very good. Especially the last line! I love how it rhymes well, too.
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      interesting to say the least......a truly powerful message from within........i suggest dont rewrite this one but perhaps give it a sibling, almost a completion to the thoughts this one suggested.....very well done i must say though, dont lose that powerful edge please
    | Posted on 2006-10-23 00:00:00 | by ropedpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Good transition from chaos to order!
    Interesting portrayal of feelings and their effects on the author..and very nice flow.
    I love your ending!
    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      It felt a bit soft and some of the words you used were really strong and didn't seem like they fit the tone of the poem. I wouldn't mind reading it a bit more detailed. You know, so we know exactly how you feel. I think that may bring more powerful emotion that I thought it was lacking....If that makes sense?

    I really did enjoy this poem. I also think that it is a very good start to a great write! :)
    ```Chrissy```
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by XxXPromiseMeXxX | [ Reply to This ]
      i agree that you could do more with this..
    like when you write of rage, i want to hear the rage when i read it, like what these people have done that is so unkind.. i think you could flesh this out and make it more powerful so that it grabs the reader by the throat, so that we can feel the torment and the dismay.
    you've got a great start, though. i'd be curious to see an edited version..

    thanks for sharing. i'm sorry that you've had to feel these things and do hope it has gotten better.

    shalom,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-10-14 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]


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