Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mr. Sunshinedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Max R.
    Elite Ratio:    3.14 - 33/29/17
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1074
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 576



    Description:
       wrote this after watching the news for about five minutes on a cold september day


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMr. Sunshinedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Hello; Mr. Sunshine
    where are you today?
    I opened my eyes this morning
    only to see darkness grinning back-
    the clouds are thick,
    the rain is cold;
    the lightening strikes bright,
    the thunder rolls deep.

    Hello; Mr Sunshine?
    Please come back soon.
    The world needs your love.
    The warm forgiving rays
    against our cold ignorant flesh

    So, Mr. Sunshine,
    When will you return?
    When will the bright,
    Everlasting Love and Forgivness you give
    return?




    Submitted on 2006-10-15 02:15:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very almost light hearted poem 4 it being titled under longing The usage of the phrase, Hello MR Sunshine reminded my of a very light hearted song like the song "Raindrops Falling on my head" really nice and still kind of a longing thing but the

    against our cold ignorant flesh

    really kind of throws the poem for a loop though it is not a bad line, when you mixed the line in this poem it kind of abruptly changed the mood.

    However besides that this was an excellent and it has a definite potential to be a song.

    much LOVE
    JAmes
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice, deep and meaningful yet told in a simplistic, childlike way that really grabs the reader. Could use work on structure, but overall a nice piece.
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by mikepyro7 | [ Reply to This ]
      Here are my suggestions in play in your piece, plus a few corrections:
    "Hello; Mr. Sunshine
    where are you today?
    I opened my eye this morning
    only to see darkness grinning back -
    the clouds are thick,
    the rain is cold;
    the lightening strikes bright,
    the thunder rolls deep.

    Hello; Mr Sunshine?
    Please come back soon
    the world needs you[r] love - (or else you're calling the sun by the nickname of 'love')
    Your warm forgiving rays
    unto our cold ignorant flesh.

    So, Mr. Sunshine,
    when will you return?
    When will the bright
    everlasting Love and Forgivness you shine
    return?"


    But besides that, I read this poem as classical in it's clichés although, it's very well thought of. Not favorite worthy material, but worth a praise. Your first stanza reflects pathetic fallacy - which I devoted an entire poem to - the second almost imposes a judgmental role unto the sun, tied in with the final stanza almost gives you the impression that the sun is God, and that this is an Ironic twist, because what's been done was in his name and yet here you are calling him out yourself. God tends to play the role of a mute in our lives, understanding us kind of - not quite following our imperfections because of his perfection - and never really returning an answer upon which we can define him as being something. In that aspect he becomes whatever we'd like to impose on him; he becomes whatever we imperfectly perceive as right, purposeful and just.

    Outlaw-ed

    P.S: Thanks for the random add, and thanks for stimulating these old thoughts.
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      pretty cool, i can see that goes deeper then just the weather

    pretty good to start off but the line
    "against our cold ignorant flesh"
    goes deeper then the rest, or at least it dose for me
    | Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by MindRape | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    121612

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry