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Mr. Sunshine


Author: Max R.
Elite Ratio:    3.14 - 33 /29 /17
Words: 79
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 1112
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 576



Description:


wrote this after watching the news for about five minutes on a cold september day


Mr. Sunshine



Hello; Mr. Sunshine
where are you today?
I opened my eyes this morning
only to see darkness grinning back-
the clouds are thick,
the rain is cold;
the lightening strikes bright,
the thunder rolls deep.

Hello; Mr Sunshine?
Please come back soon.
The world needs your love.
The warm forgiving rays
against our cold ignorant flesh

So, Mr. Sunshine,
When will you return?
When will the bright,
Everlasting Love and Forgivness you give
return?




Submitted on 2006-10-15 02:15:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Very almost light hearted poem 4 it being titled under longing The usage of the phrase, Hello MR Sunshine reminded my of a very light hearted song like the song "Raindrops Falling on my head" really nice and still kind of a longing thing but the

against our cold ignorant flesh

really kind of throws the poem for a loop though it is not a bad line, when you mixed the line in this poem it kind of abruptly changed the mood.

However besides that this was an excellent and it has a definite potential to be a song.

much LOVE
JAmes
| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by James Reyna | [ Reply to This ]
  Very nice, deep and meaningful yet told in a simplistic, childlike way that really grabs the reader. Could use work on structure, but overall a nice piece.
| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by mikepyro7 | [ Reply to This ]
  Here are my suggestions in play in your piece, plus a few corrections:
"Hello; Mr. Sunshine
where are you today?
I opened my eye this morning
only to see darkness grinning back -
the clouds are thick,
the rain is cold;
the lightening strikes bright,
the thunder rolls deep.

Hello; Mr Sunshine?
Please come back soon
the world needs you[r] love - (or else you're calling the sun by the nickname of 'love')
Your warm forgiving rays
unto our cold ignorant flesh.

So, Mr. Sunshine,
when will you return?
When will the bright
everlasting Love and Forgivness you shine
return?"


But besides that, I read this poem as classical in it's clichés although, it's very well thought of. Not favorite worthy material, but worth a praise. Your first stanza reflects pathetic fallacy - which I devoted an entire poem to - the second almost imposes a judgmental role unto the sun, tied in with the final stanza almost gives you the impression that the sun is God, and that this is an Ironic twist, because what's been done was in his name and yet here you are calling him out yourself. God tends to play the role of a mute in our lives, understanding us kind of - not quite following our imperfections because of his perfection - and never really returning an answer upon which we can define him as being something. In that aspect he becomes whatever we'd like to impose on him; he becomes whatever we imperfectly perceive as right, purposeful and just.

Outlaw-ed

P.S: Thanks for the random add, and thanks for stimulating these old thoughts.
| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
  pretty cool, i can see that goes deeper then just the weather

pretty good to start off but the line
"against our cold ignorant flesh"
goes deeper then the rest, or at least it dose for me
| Posted on 2006-10-15 00:00:00 | by MindRape | [ Reply to This ]


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