Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mercydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 309
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 837
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1012



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMercydots
    -------------------------------------------


    This endless black void threatens
    to overwhelm me and I
    see the broken pieces floating
    about

    I sense my breath escaping
    me and filled with a
    familiar sickness I fall
    to my knees and beg

    For mercy

    No mercy for you child
    you did this on your own
    You'll suffer for eternity
    with the seeds you have sown

    I've cried so many tears that
    my heart
    is in a draught
    a never-ending season of gutwrenching dread
    as I look upon each new day
    with only the certain
    knowledge of doom

    And my screams go unheard
    until
    oblivious
    I faint away
    and dream
    where I keep the only
    treasures
    I have of you left




    Submitted on 2006-10-16 13:18:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hmmmmmmm, that's painful. i like the free form, i like the free flow, and the imagery.
    i agree with shaman, that that last line is kind of choppy, but i think you should keep it. i love the way you get to the end and then the flow is slowed by that last awkward line. leave it as you have it. well done :)
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmm you tried something new and let me be the first [censored] to say I don't like it. It's not that it's different from your other pieces it's more so that the rythms is jagged and the line breaks inconsistent some lines seem to drag out unecessarilly but this doesn't add to any rythm I could find reading this through three times. Okay specifics......

    "This endless black void threatens
    to overwhelm me and I
    see the broken pieces floating
    about"

    In this first line your breaks are decent. for instance the first line What is this black void threatening? To overwhelm me and I
    And where are this broken pieces floating?
    "About" This is a little waek but it suffices
    And what are this broken pieces of, your heart?
    Perhaps it's left better unsaid if that's the case

    I sense my breath escaping
    me and filled with a
    familiar sickness I fall
    to my knees and beg

    Okay this you still have those rule as in the previous each preceding line leaves us wanting to know what's next I'm afraid here is is just weak because in L1S2 You say my breath escaping" You already infer the breath is your so of course reasonably we assume that it's escaping you if you said it was escaping a balloon that would suprise us. I know now I'm just plain being mean.
    Anyway on with the show
    The rest of that stanza works though I see know reason to put for mercy by itself other then tring to maintain a four line feel which you change at the end anyway. I'd just hit the backspace key and make it support the lines above.
    this next part while fine should be in italics or something to indicate the voice of god or a tormentor own your own damning thoughts whichever it is.
    I love your use of draught it reminds me of the harry potter series snape brooing some potion.
    A never ending season of gutwrenching dread. I think you were going for that fact that seasons end and are part of cycle therefore saying that the season isn't ending when in fact it should was probably meant to be ironic and ironically it's probably the weakest line in this piece.

    "as I look upon each new day
    with only the certain
    knowledge of doom"
    This is constipated thought. It just take too long to come out as a result of extraneous wording.

    "And my screams go unheard
    until
    oblivious
    I faint away
    and dream
    where I keep the only
    treasures
    I have of you left"

    S5 L1 D and
    S5 L3 while "faint away" is a nice example of assonace while include it here if not in the rest of the piece? S5 L6 where just seems akward it's like a penguin trying the walk with it's feet ducktaped together. Just saying
    "And dream
    of the place
    I keep my
    few remaining
    treasures of you"
    Is smoother I'm sure you won't want to use that since you didn't write it that waht but My point is it feels too drawn out and could use a laxitive. Anyway i pray this meanspirited bashing was helpful I know you can due this style more justice, so let me know if you edit it. Keep writing and i'll keep swinging. There was this one time i wasp land on my shin when I was much younger and i was holding an aluminum baseball bat not wanting to get stung i smashed it and it stung me anyway so I fell over grimacing at my own stupidity. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    121765

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry