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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sitting in this darkened roomdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Jingles
    ASL Info:    19.m.canada
    Elite Ratio:    2.08 - 18/60/36
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Romance
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1021



    Description:
       This isn't one of my best writes. But it's the way I felt about something.It pretty self explaitory what its about.Just give me youre opinions and tell me if i need to change something or make it better somehow.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSitting in this darkened roomdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sitting in this darkened room
    Crimson pain and cascading fear.
    Every whisper never meant
    Shattered moments dissapear.

    Sitting in this darkened room
    Silenced thoughts come into view.
    Arguements and screams of hate
    As regret binds me to you.

    Sitting in this darkened room
    Flowers and tears across the page.
    Hatred blinds every sense
    While your voice guides me the way.

    Sitting in this darkened room
    Immortality resting in your gaze.
    Enveloped in beauty, whithin a smile
    This darkness now fades away.

    Sitting in this brightened room
    My angel dressed in white.
    No more pain and no more fear
    On our wedding night.

    Layin in this darkened tomb
    My lifleless hand still holding yours.
    Life anew,eternity ours
    Lets live it togethor
    Forever and always.
    In this darkened tomb




    Submitted on 2006-10-17 04:19:14     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      This is beautifully crafted. I like the repetition of "In this darkened room." In the end though (I may be too old?) I don't get it. The deoument, if you like, didn't seem to marry with the preceding verses. This may well be my loss.

    Donald
    | Posted on 2006-10-17 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    121834

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    January 10 07
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