To Alec (1) by Twisted

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Submission Name: To Alec (1) dots

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Author:	Twisted
Elite Ratio:	7.47 - 159/57/75
Words:	83

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	108
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	459

Description:
For the man that I loved...and lost.

To Alec (1) dots

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It seems as though I’m drowning in sorrow, since you’ve died,
My heart has stopped beating, and life holds no meaning,
I know that soon, someday we will beat, although it won’t be soon,
I’ll cry, and remember, and rejoice in the life you gave me.

I need you so much, and I know that you’re up there telling me to be strong, but I can’t, because I know that I can’t hold you any longer,
And you can’t hold me.

Submitted on 2006-10-19 16:04:48 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Touching . . . and I like the blunt honesty in your format. Freestyle allows a lot of personality to speak through the very form of your poetry even as meaningfully as the words themselves do. However - a minor point - the lack also makes it seem rather haphazard and poorly thought out.

It is sad to lose a loved one, and I must offer my condolences, aside from my ruthless ripping apart of your obviously very meaningful writing.

Now, on to the writing itself:

"someday we will beat: here, you should specify what you are beating. The poem does not make that obvious enough, in my opinion.

I also believe you should straighten up the two stanzas - they should have some common element or else it just looks like brainstorming. I think there's something precious under here, but I also think you should spend a lot of time polishing it. You should elaborate some more. Death is a complicated subject, and love is even more so - they deserve more consideration that they were given.

Take Care,
Starless
| Posted on 2006-10-19 00:00:00 | by Starless Knight | [ Reply to This ]

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