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    dots Submission Name: Don'tdots

    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 744
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 667
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 4703

       to him.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Donít try to kiss me
    My lips will make yours bleed
    And drip, drop with the filth of a thousand screams
    Then tick, tock, like the furies roared in the tunnel of my throat
    Echoes that broke away from a mouth thatís always closed
    The hate, the agony, all wailed in the past
    Donít kiss a barred gate
    It will never part to let you pass
    Itís a jail, a school for prisoners;
    Not open,
    Itís the part of hell thatís chapped.
    The one where all is quiet
    Where even words are trapped
    And even sobs canít leave; they are too afraid
    Except when thereís too much hurting
    So much that a whimper escapes

    Donít try to touch me
    My skin will burn your fingertips
    The beat of war drums, pulsing with battle
    The heat of ancient dragons, in their furnace under hell
    The containment of the demons; the boiling, simmering rage
    Speckled, shimmering with sunset bruises
    In a sweatshirt cage
    With scars like ghosts of stars
    That dot my body like the mysteries of the unknown universe
    The knowledge you seek, scholar, run away
    I know of violence as caresses
    Each slap an embrace
    And the most common form of touch
    Was a hit across my face
    A dark path unexplored and unknown
    Reveals a battered, raggedy doll
    Donít touch my skin
    It will make yours crawl

    Donít try to miss me
    My soul will eat yours alive
    The gnawing, aching of despairing dark
    The sobbing, shaking of teardrops you cried
    Shedding tears for sorrows youíll never understand
    Spreading fear for tomorrows that we can never have
    A wintry wind frosts all the growth of life
    Bitter, Iím told
    Why, I havenít even tried
    When the sky is the limit, and the limit is a skyroof
    When you see humor in pain, and irony in the truth
    Itís a little bit difficult to give happiness a chance
    To forget that your self-confidence was brutally raped
    To just enjoy the last slow song at the school dance
    When every time you take a risk, and gamble everything youíve got
    Because Iíve had nothing, so whatís there to lose?
    So much more than I thought
    So much more than the truth
    This numbness; this endless uncaring; this soul to smother
    In this sightless, empty staring, while searching for another
    Way to exist
    To keep from fading into an abyss, too deep
    To close this disappearing act, in this magic show of grief
    So donít even bother
    The attemptís pointless and brief

    Please, donít try to love me
    My heart will break yours in half
    A joy; the summary of pleasures, of all the good that has happened
    A toy; the total of measures, of all chances taken to have it broken
    Cracked, shattering, stepped on by stampedes of feet
    Smashed, splattering, on a boulevard of broken dreams
    And forgotten hopes, lost causes, childhood smiles of another time
    Donít waste a chance on it
    You canít have it
    Itís all thatís mine
    The graffiti tattooed on the wall of this muscle
    From strangers to friends of a depth so astounding
    From heroes to acquaintances
    Once painted love abounding
    Trusting the hands that guided when wearing a blindfold
    Hands that held the steering wheel driving me to school
    A hand that pushed into walls, that made supernovas explode
    That overwhelmed the frame of my eyes when it decided to be cruel
    A body part that rages it wants the best for me
    That this is the only way I can be shown
    A hand that really, truly loves me
    At least thatís what Iím told
    So this wall that was built on the foundations of dreams
    Of newborn imagination, that didnít include screams
    Has fortified to protect this part of my body that hand, and anyone else, will never touch
    This place where all is real
    The only place where I am loved
    Has been invaded, and conquered by many
    It will surrender to none

    So donít try and kiss me,
    Donít touch me
    Donít miss me
    Donít bother, I guarantee failure; Iím disaster and chaos
    Iím shattered and frail; itís really not a loss
    Donít try to understand this disarray of memory
    Donít try to save what I don't want redeemed
    Donít try to fix me
    You canít, and you wonít
    So donít try and love me
    Please, just

    Submitted on 2006-10-19 19:05:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i will have to agree with ness on all of her pointers. i know i should have a thought process of my own lol, but there is no sense in repeating everything she has already said.

    one thing i will repeat though, is that this is WAY too long. i see that you have it broken up into stanzas, the shortest one being 12 lines and the longest being 30.

    in my opinion when you have a piece broken up into parts, its better to have them short and sweet, so they make a stonger impact on the reader. when they drag out for 20 minutes, the reader gets tired and just wants to stop. you have to keep them interested by making them shorter, and moving on to the next part in your story. to me, i really dont like to read a stanza more than... 4 to 6 lines long. i found this very hard to read because of the length alone.

    i'm not saying this piece was no good, it really was, very in debth for your age, and i see a lot of potental in this piece. shorted up your stanza's a bit, and change a few lines, and this piece will be almost breath taking. drop me a line if you decide to rewrite this, i would really love to read it.

    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ]
      I realise that this is written about a boy you know but it is also a strong write for I5. However, the length detracts from the intensity, to a certain degree a little pruning would help this poem. I would lose about a quarter. Some suggestions are that I find the tick-tock a little detracting from the image of the furies. I realise it is intended to compliment the drip, drop but it doesnít really suit here. The Ďit teaches the rest of my body silence as wellí breaks the flow so Iíd cut this and maybe just have

    Itís a jail, a school for prisoners;
    not open, itís the part of hell thatís chapped.
    the one where all is quiet, where even words are trapped

    like the rhyme here.

    Iíd cut the

    Except when thereís too much hurting
    So much that a whimper escapes

    as it detracts from the idea of sobs being too afraid to leave and also the flow seems wrong.
    I donít think you need war and battle why not go with something like

    The pulsing beat of battle drums,

    And maybe have ĎThe heat of ancient dragons, in their furnace under hellí

    And Iíd cut the Ďbarely containedí and just have ĎBoiling, simmering rageí its more intense. The oh sounds archaic and too poetic Ė yeah, you can be too poetic.

    I hope this helps and if you do decide to edit it let me know and I will reread and tell you what I think.
    Take care
    Love and peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-20 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]

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