Rhyme....too forced... Tell the truth did you actually write it in a flow or you made it rhyme
Insert some description that goes with the poem to make it more effective.
Have the poems a little wide i mean more sentences in a line rather than having it so long. See at it yourself you will find that immediately you will think it is a very long poem even though it is small.
No one can help her Alone she falls And she isnít afraid To lose it all
That was my favorite part. You have quite a way with words. Poetic beauty at its best. This one brought a couple tears to my eyes... Really. Keep up the wonders with words. I will be watching for more.