Jaydee, I've been away from this site forever. Glad I could come back and see something from you I liked.
I think the final stanza best uses your [xxx] mode. The first however, feels clunky
The night is [full of drunken] noise
Of which I [no longer] know
Vaguely resemblant of [that which I] regret
mainly this stanza fails in that the last stanza's non-bracketed lines (you know it's so hard to promise forever) fit well with the version with bracketed additions. Really a well done parallel. But I feel that the last line of the first stanza "Vaguely resemblant of regret" doesn't quite flow as the rest does.
The night is noise
Of which I know
Vaguely resemblant of regret
hmmm . . . it just feels so-slightly off-kilter. Yet I am at a loss for how to fix it so, given the frightful symmetry of your style here.
Also, I like in this poem that the brackets so clearly reference one specific night. It's almost like the same narrative retold years later in the the coffee-table-chat version.
Anyhoo, Fond thoughts. Good luck over there in Ethiopia!
It's poems like this that reminds me why you're one of my favorite writers on this site and otherwise (like I could really forget anyway).
It always seems that poetry, in comparisson to prose, is more about choosing words carefully and leaving others out. This poem gives two meaning if you read it without the brackets and then with the brackets. Almost how thoughts play out vs the actual internal thoughts a person has in regards to an event that happened and the thoughts thereafter.
I think this is best evidenced in the line "And I was [working on getting] brave".
you really seem to be an epiphany. got a whole fellowship. i dunno if i can post any negative critique. not even slightly, because i'm intimidated.
but what the hell, i dont care bout hatemail.
so well... to be honest, i guess its not that special, minding the stuff you wrote before.
well, its refreshing to see a different poem of some kind, but i mean...
living in berlin i get to wittness elections, and there's a politicians election poster, the text is formulated just like yours. brackets n all that. considering that i cant make any sense out of whats in the brackets, its kinda missing something, must be hard to do but... i dunno.
i know you chose words wisely. the tone was just too bright for me. missing the smooth sounds, too much a's and i's (vaguely?).
sorry. i dont mean to be insulting.
i just thought you might be bored of all that... nah
You wrote this over a year ago and I can not believe that I never read this, I mean the title itself should have caused me to check it out. But, I am known for taking my time with reading things and usually digging around later after the hype of a new write around here...
I really liked this - I would say you outdid yourself, but I have read quite a few of your poems and am more than impressed with your writing.
It was extremely creative and ingenius the way you wrote this. blending in the actual message into the poem's whole. The way you wrote this with the "drunken" (so to speak) parts in parenthesis, well, I probably wont say this right, but it puts me in mind of when one is out and drinking ~ the mouth says one thing as we mumble other things inbetween - the listener, at least my friends, never know which part is really what I mean...
i was attracted by the random bracket in the title for i figured it had something to do with a unique way the poem was written (and if it turned out to be just a typo i was definitely going to let you know =] )
anyway, it's amazing the way one can omit the words contained in brackets when reaading this to make it a whole different piece
it's like two poems in one
wonderfully idealistic ^.^
it's like a drunken liar is speaking when i read the whole thing, and it's like a sad person is talking of their confusion and, well, sadness when i read it the other way.
it's beautiful =] *dramatic tears*
okay, that was a bit overboard, but it was neat =]]
Hey enjoyed the unique poem.
My perspective is that you're trying to stay sober. Cheers to you if so and good cuts it makes perfect sense. If this is the case take it one day at a time cause forever is hard to promise and sounds so overwelmingly impossible.
The bar scene sucks anyways- just a bunch of drunken noise.
I saw the title of this and thought it would be fitting for me to read after the night out I had...
The use of brackets in this is really cool,Im sure everyones already said that but still,great job!
The work sounds really unique and has two ways of reading it(reminds me of films like eternal sunshine of the spotless mind in that respect)
For me,this wasn't really about what you were actually saying as much as it was about the difference in thought from being drunk as opposed to sober.
When I remove whats inside the brackets in my head
it all seems more raw or primitive or something,symbolizing drunkenness me thinks.
Anyway,I think that this is very impressive for a short piece you know? When I write something short it normally turns out dull and needs expansion,this is fine though:-)
The night is noise
Of which I know
Vaguely resemblant of regret
anyway, i like this one, i guess a bunch of others did too. been missing a while. long story, and this is a comment so i'll get back to that.
the use of brackets is nearly flawless, and really keeps true to your voice.
And I was [working on getting] brave
i think that "working on getting" works just fine, saying trying to be could slightly alter what you're saying, working on getting brave sounds more like...i was thinking about getting around to it, sorta, like a sarcastic self doubt. idk, i think i'm speaking gibberish
umm as far as meaning....
is it like... a drunken decision that has the potential of having a forever consequence? that was my assumtion. but regardless good work. love the brackets and denial/acceptance of truth all in one thing that they create.
VERY nice. I always appreciate plays on words... I also love how it WOULD read minus the bracketed words versus how is DOES read with the brackets included...
'you know it's so hard to promise forever...' Lovely, and genius... Do more, do more! I love when a writer forces the reader to do some work... That means a lot of work went into it- and that cannot be left overlooked. GREAT job. ~Syn
Well, this reminds me of the way memory worked in that world; bringing back some situation that forces the characters to deal with things that maybe they don't want to
and you achieve a sort of catharsis through the confessional-style bracketed words, which give it the two different takes on what's being said, both along the same lines; i think that's very postmodern of you, and i like it, because it gives you a better feel for the emotional content at the expense of making truth subjective... and is that really an expense?
It almost struck me as conversational (though also a little bit of an introspective narrative): One person (the narrator, you) hearing the words between the words she's speaking, the other only hearing the ones without brackets and being left to interpret them on this drunken night full of noise that reminds you of something you wanted to forget (and you were being so....were getting so brave...).
But forever is so hard to promise. Hell, I can't even promise tomorrow.
I love the idea of this..if one payed enough attention, it's like reading 2 completely different writes..
i absolutely love the last stanza in any way it's read. Living with the forever is such a hard thing to do, yet anyone with a conscience or a memory cannot eascape the consequences of not being able to let go.
i wish that I actually had something to say to make you feel better, or at least some advice on the write itself, but i think you've done a wonderful job here. take care
Just kidding. You know I love it. This poem is right up my alley!
You know it's so hard to promise forever.
Soooo true. Interesting. This reminds me of a drunken fight between a boy and a girl. Head swimming with words, occasionally the right ones fall out of the mouth. Saying the wrong things because saying the right things is beyond difficult. Head spinning noises pounding....
It also kind of reminds me of an alcoholic thought process. The Set apart lines seem to speek denials to the truths of the rest of the lines.
Nice Job J. Here's to hoping I scratched the surface. If you so desire, drop me a clue. Tell me how I did!