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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cluelessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Poetic_tragedy6
    ASL Info:    25/F/OR
    Elite Ratio:    2.65 - 114/153/74
    Words: 95
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 471
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 689



    Description:
       This poem only took me a minute. I came up with it soon. Tell me your thought, thanks!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCluelessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Crimson lips,
    and deep blue eyes.
    A pretty face.
    She has him mesmirized.

    She is perfect to him,
    but she doesn't see it.
    She hates herself,
    it's her bad habit.

    Looking in the mirror.
    No one sees,
    Just how she feels.
    They are blinded by beauty.

    They think she is fine,
    but she is slowing fading.
    Slowly losing time
    Her life is anticipating.

    She fakes a smile.
    to fool everyone.
    It lasts for a while,
    Until the perfection is gone.

    She lies in secret hate.
    No forelooking,
    Her deadly fate.




    Submitted on 2006-10-20 23:46:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I didnt get the the part about her life is anticipating but other than that it was pretty good. why does your photo look like mariah Carey lol.

    Adios,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the feel and development of your words even though the overall tack is towards depression (I think).
    The scansion is uneven and it would help the power of your poem if it was edited to tidy up the metre.
    Would "He's mesmerized" be better than "She has him mesmerized"?
    Should "slowing fading" read "slowing, fading." or "slowly fading"? If "slowly" then the word is repeated in the next line so maybe "slowing comma fading" would be best.
    What is her life anticipating? are these the right words at this point?

    You might find it useful to edit some of your more prosaic lines - "Until the perfection is gone" down to something like "Until perfection gone" punchier perhaps and still fits the mood, losing its ordinariness.

    Your final stanza is lovely and all the better for your made-up word "forelooking". And I like the three line finish.

    Thanks for the read.
    Donald
    | Posted on 2006-10-21 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]


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