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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: forgotten sacrificedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/Sorry
    Total Views: 1033
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1016



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsforgotten sacrificedots
    -------------------------------------------


    neglected tears falling silently down,
    embodying voices become helplessly lost;
    guiding me down another dead-end path,
    as hovering fog shadows suspended raindrops,
    and poison-laced tears fall upon broken hearts.
    How great is beauty with nothing to compare it to?
    As deceiving scars can only ever appear to heal;
    bleeding hearts show no care of human emotion-
    but only of the collision of blood and flesh.
    iridescent veins shine bright with shattered lies,
    blood sacrifice tainting the purest love.
    Was anyone's pain]worth all this regret?
    remorse spilling over a trust that meant too much,
    mystifying agony coveting eternally starless eyes.
    emotional masochism always ends in the most beautiful wounds.
    We're nothing more then a reflection of the pain we cause-
    detesting thyself proves to be the simplest form of hate...but;
    Does love of a person require love of their origins as well?




    Submitted on 2006-10-21 23:44:13     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was a really good write, my personal favourite line was:
    How great is beauty with nothing to compare it to?

    followed by the ever longing question corresponding to love and origin.

    I feel that in a way, yes we must. No, we don't have to love everything a lover does or has done, but that is all part of what makes them who they are, and since it is them you love, in a way you accept it anyways. Also very witty, was your line of being nothing more than the pain we cause. I assume when saying this, you meant not only the pain, but other emotions we cause as well. I agree in this sense, our actions define who we are, and where better do our actions show then on those around us?
    | Posted on 2007-02-14 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ]
      neglected tears falling silently down,
    embodying voices become helplessly lost;
    guiding me down another dead-end path,
    as hovering fog shadows suspended raindrops,

    [and] poison-laced tears fall upon broken hearts.
    How great is beauty with nothing to compare it to?
    As deceiving scars can only ever appear to heal;
    bleeding hearts show no care of human emotion-

    but only of the collision of blood and flesh.
    iridescent veins shine bright with shattered lies,
    blood sacrifice tainting the purest love.
    Was anyone's pain]worth all this regret?

    remorse spilling over a trust that meant too much,
    mystifying agony coveting eternally starless eyes.
    emotional masochism always ends in the most beautiful wounds.
    We're nothing more then a reflection of the pain we cause-

    detesting thyself proves to be the simplest form of hate...but;
    Does love of a person require love of their origins as well?


    First I would put these lines into quatrains as I've done. They seem to follow a pattern that suggests doing so. I feel like the clarity of the poem is lost to the reader and you have some fine ideas here. the way that the reader consumes them is important to convey a poem's ideas.

    the last line tells us so much jess, about how origins means something. The person who wrongs us never feels our anger nor do they care if we hurt ourselves. Pain should be a temporary state of mind that is relieved with a pen and not a blade. So please write, the love of a person whose origins are questionable
    represents someone who does not deserve your time.

    I think you know this as your title reflects,
    take care!

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-12-03 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, i gonna try to translate this poem as i saw it. Remember this is my interpretation. I see a person in love and yet full of hate, because of that love, its almost as if someone is telling them that they cant be together becuase of a certain difference (perhaps; race, religouse belife, or other). and this person is so hurt that it becoms hate. I hope i got it right, although i feel as though im missing something in the translation that i usualy do not miss, either way let me know how close i came to the vision that you set forth whenyou created this. and please comment on my stuff. i noticed that your comments are detailed, and explain what you got out of it. I would appriciate some for me. i shall return the favor. either way let me know if i was right or wrong.

    -Death-
    | Posted on 2006-10-31 00:00:00 | by DeathTone | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoyed this piece, and I'm not going to check it for mistakes.. but I know you made one.. two actually .. the bracket in the middle of nowhere is kind of lonely and should be killed for being unique and unconforming to the other spaces which are simply blank and secondly you wrote in verse 16 "then" where it should be than.

    As for this piece of mustering hell :
    -How great is beauty with nothing to compare it to?
    -Was anyone's pain worth all this regret?
    -Does love of a person require love of their origins as well?


    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder; one only perceives beauty to be a reflections of he capricious nature, therein beauty tamed the beast and killed him because when you become torn 'twixt should and want... Have you ever watched king kong? He dies because he 'should' but in doing so he feels so plastic because he isn't what his nature is telling him that he is... He's failing her because it is what should be, what should happen... that is why a movie so deep yet simple like that can get to me sometimes...

    Here I postulate a question for you: Is it the regret that made the pain or the pain that made the regret? Both sense are valid reasoning depending on your circumstances; everything is relative in this universe which is why if you take one away... you ruin the balance and destroy both, in this case, the regret and the pain. But remember that without pain there is no joy, and vice versa. In all due time one may ponder whether or not it would've just been better to have not been born in the first place, and not be contaminated by all these vices, even if they come with their own perks. But in reality, that is where your freedom is stripped from you, and where the chain of vicious shoulds start building up.

    As for your last question, well there is usually a bias that builds on you, an inert curiosity that makes you want to know everything about them, be it bad or not. But let me say that some people will even go to the lenghts of breaking up love in the name of where they come from, when they sometimes don't even understand the nature behind their actions and just that it should be done. I hate that to the core... The stupidest thing, which lenon pointed out in his song "Imagine" isn't that we should erradicate ideas like god dan nations, but that we should erradicate this constant need to seperate ourselves from one another... Like what on earth is happening to our gene pool? We are the same damn DNA with slight variation of the 23 genuses in us, and yet we've found a million and one different reason to have sects, cults, nations, name, God;deities, languages, clothes, traditions, rituals... etcetera.. you name it, we've used it in one way or another as an excuse to seperate ourselve from one another... and it's gotten to the point where "strangers" on the street scare you to death because you think they might rape you. Do you know what I mean?

    But besides that, I understand your general emotion... reading this and talking to you, however little it may have been, I'm sincerely starting to see a bit of me in you... and your journal.. I know it all too well.... Ugh.. sometimes really... You just need one reason to feel hope, and like others, you seem to be very oriented towards other for that reason.

    Outlaw-ed

    P.S: I like it...
    | Posted on 2006-10-23 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem has really great potential. I like the choice of words, it's obvious you put alot of hard work into it, because it seems really scrupulously done. The problem is it can become too obvious. Maybe you should try arranging it a bit, so it can appear more natural, a little less forced. Maybe breaking it into a few pieces and making the lines shorter? That way it would be easier for the reader to comprehend better.
    It is clear where the poem should be divided into fragments, because throughout it, the pieces don't seem extremely linked, and only the title is a glimpse towards what you want to say. A whole lot of metaphors somehow patched together isn't enough-the message needs to be transmited somewhat clearer to the reader, something closer to what we all understand, without it losing it's poetical touch, though. I really think you can achieve that.
    Of course, this is only my opinion. It's also fine as it is.

    Peace

    Angie.

    ps: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it if you could check out some of my work.

    Joy.
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Angie444 | [ Reply to This ]


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