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    dots Submission Name: Sexual sundots

    Author: ropedpoet
    ASL Info:    21...male....cali
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 42/13/3
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1646
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 977

       okay i will probably revise this one but i hope it brought you a laugh..........over all be honest.............................yes this is about me losing my virginity!

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSexual sundots

    Dawn arose hanging in the
    sky a sexual sun,
    Washing away the deeds of night,
    Yet not their sin.

    I awoke to the sense of Her approach,
    With my scent of want,
    She made her assault,
    Though not given to haste,
    She lay with me on satans haven.

    Her mouth was a forge,
    My tongue be its flame,
    Smoting pleas of pleasure,
    Passion our hammer.

    Many evenings I had dreamed,
    Only to be taken in morning,
    A salty sweet mix of lust to love,
    Bitten by angels,
    Kissed by demons.

    I am student,
    She is Teacher,
    Led by crimmson finger tips,
    I drank in Her spirit,
    Feasted on Her flesh.

    Our forces met dressed in velvet,
    I looked above from below,
    Shadowed light all around,
    As there hung a sexual sun.

    Submitted on 2006-10-22 03:56:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Hmm let me think of a few simple words to discribe this.. Dark.... Wicked awsome!, Beautiful, nice flow (if u ask me) hehe my type of poetry! keep up the wonderful work my love.

    ~ Love
    | Posted on 2006-12-12 00:00:00 | by Bloody_Rain | [ Reply to This ]
      A salty sweet mix of lust to love,
    Bitten by angels,
    Kissed by demons.

    I would have to say these are my favorite lines. You showed how love can be full of passion and lust. How it can be like heaven and like hell. There isnt really too much i can say about this poem, becuase it is great the way it is. I dont have any thing constructive to say, because i think the meaning and feeling that i read, was what you were trying to protray. Superb.

    Thanks for the comments on my poem "Art of Love" it is greatly appriciated.
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by DeathTone | [ Reply to This ]
      Sexual Son

    Dick arose from hanging dry
    sexual son,
    Washing away the cum of the night's
    two minute deed.

    I awoke to the sense of a hard-on,
    She made her assault,
    Not one,
    but two pump chump
    She lay with me on stained sheets.

    Her mouth was a vaccuum,
    My boys the vaccuum bag of dust,
    Tears and pleas of terror,
    Please stop, she cried.

    Many evenings I had wet dreams,
    Only to be crusty in morning,
    A salty sweet mix of unwelcome cum,
    Bitter on the inside,
    From making out with my pillow again.

    I am virgin,
    She is whore,
    Led by a ten dollar bill that I swiped off the nightstand,
    I drank her piss,
    Fisted up her anal flesh.

    She dressed me up in womens clothes,
    Velvet, to be exact,
    A naked, transexual nun,
    standing there,
    A less than well hung sexual son.


    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Cherub | [ Reply to This ]
      wow im honored that you ask me to critique this poem for you sheesh lol thank you okies ill do my best and give you the honest truth that i can provide lol sheesh i guess i am famous for rude comments *giggles* anyway digressing already geesh okies lets take this thing apart shall we?

    yeah i just read the discription now i KNOW this will be interesting lol.

    "Dawn arose hanging in the
    sky a sexual sun,
    Washing away the deeds of night,
    Yet not their sin."

    "w"ashing away the deeds of "the" night,
    "y"et not their sin."
    okeis puncuation is polished up a bit.
    Now the introduction to me is always the thing that i look for to catch my eye..this is a bit weak though.
    I mean more discription its as if you ARE introducing us to this poem...just not as strong as i think you can do. usually i give what my veiw of how it should be but i cant think of anything and besides i dont want to change your words around to much just in case this fits the way YOU want it to.
    moving on!

    "I awoke to the sense of Her approach,
    "w"ith my scent of want.
    She made her assault,
    "t"hough not given to haste,
    "s"he lay with me on "S"atan's "H"aven."

    nice...erm lets see
    ill put it in the poem this time instead of rewritting it lol okeis. okies now to what i think...
    The "She" might be optional cause with the "Her" im asuming your giving her a god like stance so you mark her as the important aspect of your poem but to stick to consistency i placed the "she" in for you dont know if thats what you want but you really dont have to pay attention to me lol hell you can ignore ever word i put in its up to YOU and only YOU okies hun.
    But as to feed back the imagry your putting is getting better i see and thats actually nice lol so yeah moving on! sheesh you caught me in a good mood today lol

    wow your 20...and your calling me Wise *laughs* sheesh you know how to flatter a young person anyway i swear ihave ADD sorry going back to your poem

    "Her mouth was a forge,
    "m"y tongue be its flame.
    Smoting pleas of pleasure,
    Passion "is" our hammer."

    hehe at first i was thinking tounge twister but awesome job! i love the imagy nice and warm..considering im freezing my ass off hehe okeis god i keep doing this
    okeis lets fix it up a bit....okies that sounds right to me now cause i stumbled over "passion our hammer"
    what i notice is you use commas alot. in most poems you dont want to clutter up your page and i see your breaks in the stanzas are nice but hun you need to state when you break off from one thing to another with a period okeis.

    "Many evenings I had dreamed,
    "o"nly to be taken in morning"."
    A salty sweet mix of lust to love,
    "b"itten by angels"..."
    "k"issed by demons."

    oh god i love this! the angels and demons how you make it the oposite of what is generally used that is so awesome! okeis now to fix this one up lol im glad i have SOMETHING to do hehe
    okeis something optional has poped up again tell me what you think

    "bitten by angels...
    and to be kissed by demons."
    "bitten by the angels...
    caressed by the demons."
    "bitten by the angels...
    softly kissed by demons."

    see what im going for? it actually brings out what you origonaly had and improves it a bit to someting you didnt expect.
    moving on!

    "I am student,
    She is Teacher,
    Led by crimmson finger tips,
    I drank in Her spirit,
    Feasted on Her flesh."

    "I am student"
    sounds like a cave man hehe sheesh i should have had some coffee this morning lol okeis
    im ganna do a rewrite on this one...

    "I am the student,
    She the teacher.
    Led by vermillion finger tips,
    I drank from her Spirit,
    and dined on her sensuous flesh."

    mind you i cant spell to save my life thank god for micro word hehe also do you like the way i made it? or did i offend you in changing your words? if i did im sorry and i hope you see what im looking for in the new rewrite.

    "Our forces met dressed in velvet,
    I looked above from below,
    "s"hadowed light all around,
    "a"s there hung a sexual sun."

    okeis i love this one HUGE ass turn on i love it like A LOT! lol im such a perv sometimes. okeis to critiqueing now not my teenage hormones lol

    okeis i dont like the "as there hung a sexual sun" very much cause i can see so much damn potential for that Stanza. And this is very interesting actually nice way to put how you lost your virginity hell mine would be"he grunted and spoof he disapeard*
    *laughs* but you get my meaning you have a beautiful way with words to make them into something as sacraide as this (to most ppl that is) nice job love and congratz on the write if you get new poems and wish for a critique im always here waiting for your PM good job hope you take my words into consideration and i hope i didnt offend you

    all the love


    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed it..wow is all i can say..excellent read..great job..
    | Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by DeathsWife | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this poem alot. It gives a classy sense of reality to the subject. The metaphors you used really bring up a strong image.

    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by numbertwenty | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this piece. It's fancy.

    It also has a bit of class, unlike most of the poem-pornography seen here late at night. More po'er to you.

    I also like the use of the sun to refer to the lady. As sun - rise (erection) - dawn (of sexuality). Et cetera, et cetera.

    And if you didn't mean it like that, you could pretend you did!

    Yours truly,
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this poem. I think lots of metaphors are good to have and you used them and wrote them well in this poem. Oh I also like the title "Sexual Sun" very creative!

    | Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by XxXPromiseMeXxX | [ Reply to This ]
      I am student,
    She is Teacher,
    Led by crimmson finger tips,
    I drank in Her spirit,
    Feasted on Her flesh.

    Wow that packs a real punch, that is my favorite part. This poem is great, it is definitely a unique way of relaying an otherwise cliché situation.

    Great work, this is going in my favorites.

    Unicorn Poet.
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Unicorn Poet | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it. I really like it. All those metaphors really add to it. The context is most intriguing. I look forward to more of your work.
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]

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