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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Dark Lorddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DeathTone
    ASL Info:    32 / Male / United States
    Elite Ratio:    5.55 - 81/55/29
    Words: 365
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 1115
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2032



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Dark Lorddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Dark and mysterious I am - your god I will be
    Do as I say, and follow me
    I will lead you to the promise land of death
    And you will beg for me to take your last breath
    See the beauty of the darkness, and the glory of hate
    You will bend to my rule, for it is your fate
    None can stop me, for I am the eternal night
    Never will I rest, until I destroy everything in sight
    So feel the pain that I cause you, and suffer ever so
    For I am the dark lord that you all know
    I come to take your life, and drown you in your fear
    Scared of the things you might feel, see, and hear
    Beg for me to end your life, I enjoy your sorrow
    For you, there will be no tomorrow
    Are you afraid of what you canít see, or what you can?
    I am the grim reapers friend, who lends him a hand
    Shadowed in darkness, brother to the night
    Enemy and destroyer of the light
    Good does not reign where I dwell
    And hatred for mankind begins to swell
    Out-caste by those who claim to love
    Do as you will, prey to your god above
    He canít help you, for you have given up hope
    And here I come to hang you with your own rope
    The glory that I hold
    Is far better than that, which you have been told
    Never shall I die, for I am already dead
    And have slept the eternal slumber, on deaths bed
    Fallen is he who resists my power
    Fear me, for you will shake and cower
    My heart had faded long ago
    Never to return, for I have closed the door
    Rejected by you, I will extract my revenge
    And squeeze the life from your withering bodies
    Till the blood flow ends
    Then I will take what is left of your remains
    And watch as your blood drains
    Laughing at your misfortune, gives me so much pleasure
    Fueling my fire, my hatred for you I can not measure
    When you see me you will scream and groan
    FOR I, AM DeathTone




    Submitted on 2006-10-22 09:35:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Okay, hun, let's dissect this.

    "Dark and mysterious I am - your god I will be
    Do as I say, and follow me
    I will lead you to the promise land of death
    And you will beg for me to take your last breath
    See the beauty of the darkness, and the glory of hate
    You will bend to my rule, for it is your fate"

    Okay, you are strictly saying that you are to follow me, because yes I am your immortal god. You cannot rebel against me for I am everything and anything that you hold close to your heart. Do you see the beauty of my darkness, you will soon for it will be your new home as I drink...drink from you.


    "None can stop me, for I am the eternal night
    Never will I rest, until I destroy everything in sight
    So feel the pain that I cause you, and suffer ever so
    For I am the dark lord that you all know
    I come to take your life, and drown you in your fear
    Scared of the things you might feel, see, and hear
    Beg for me to end your life, I enjoy your sorrow
    For you, there will be no tomorrow"

    And here I have said that you are their immortal lord, god, that shall always watch over your damned kingdom, calling all his damned to supper. I am unstopable, the eternal night, nothing can stop my reign of terror for I always return. I smell and feel your fear and take pride in it, I let you drown within it, and don't expect to be rescued for there will be no one to rise up against me.



    "Are you afraid of what you canít see, or what you can?
    I am the grim reapers friend, who lends him a hand
    Shadowed in darkness, brother to the night
    Enemy and destroyer of the light
    Good does not reign where I dwell
    And hatred for mankind begins to swell
    Out-caste by those who claim to love
    Do as you will, prey to your god above
    He canít help you, for you have given up hope
    And here I come to hang you with your own rope
    The glory that I hold
    Is far better than that, which you have been told
    Never shall I die, for I am already dead"


    Okay, this is a nice stanza, the only thing that is wrong, is that one spelling error, "pray" as if asking your god, not "prey" as if predator to kill, and the whole "begins to swell" not really sitting there. I know you probably don't curse, and hell wouldn't be considered a curse word, so I think hell goes better there. I'm liking the "Never shall I die, for I am already dead" nice and powerful line that contrast to all you have said to describe yourself.



    "And have slept the eternal slumber, on deaths bed
    Fallen is he who resists my power
    Fear me, for you will shake and cower
    My heart had faded long ago
    Never to return, for I have closed the door
    Rejected by you, I will extract my revenge
    And squeeze the life from your withering bodies
    Till the blood flow ends
    Then I will take what is left of your remains
    And watch as your blood drains
    Laughing at your misfortune, gives me so much pleasure
    Fueling my fire, my hatred for you I can not measure
    When you see me you will scream and groan
    FOR I, AM DeathTone"

    This is a good ending, because you're once again beginning, telling the reader why exactly you hold this grudge, why you seek revenge against who ever did you wrong. Then at the end, it was perfect the way you slithered your username into the poem, into the ending, to give it that personal, yet somewhat detached feeling. Over all i really liked this piece alot, and I think you did well on it.

    Interesting read, can't wait for more. My only regret is that you didn't give any background on this piece. Was it important to you or what? Wonderful piece, fav.ing this!








    | Posted on 2006-12-09 00:00:00 | by Twisted | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright I finally got to read this one, didnt have time last time. And I absolutely loved it.
    Yep, definetly dark. Perfect for your name and the end of course.

    "I am the grim reapers friend, who lends him a hand"

    Was my favorite line, it just stuck out alot to me. I thought it was real nifty.
    Great write. I really enjoyed it, like all of your others.
    Keep it up, I love reading them.
    | Posted on 2006-10-30 00:00:00 | by dreamer37517 | [ Reply to This ]
      damn that was dark. oh i love it. takes me back to a place i haven't been for awhile.
    drow
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by drow | [ Reply to This ]
      i bow at your feet Dark Lord!! lol
    this is right up my street. i feel power from this. it's very dark and eerie.
    love it!
    whirl**
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      okeis lets see if i can do something for you.
    Just know that i am honest okies please dont get upset. (i tend to upset ppls lol)

    Okies im going to start by breaking up your poem...

    "Dark and mysterious I am - your god I will be
    Do as I say, and follow me
    I will lead you to the promise land of death
    And you will beg for me to take your last breath
    See the beauty of the darkness, and the glory of hate
    You will bend to my rule, for it is your fate
    None can stop me, for I am the eternal night
    Never will I rest, until I destroy everything in sight
    So feel the pain that I cause you, and suffer ever so"

    First off i believe you should break it up into stanzas it makes it far more easyer for the reader and easyer on people who have disabilitys when reading...sorry to digress ill move on...

    Hmm this sounds a bit childish...and i agree with luke about the rhyming though i do see extreme potential for this.
    It seems as though i have read this before..i would sugest you use more imagry instead of spoon feeding us the emotions you wish for us to feel. Like use your evil element past the point of boundries....

    "For I am the dark lord that you all know
    I come to take your life, and drown you in your fear
    Scared of the things you might feel, see, and hear
    Beg for me to end your life, I enjoy your sorrow
    For you, there will be no tomorrow
    Are you afraid of what you canít see, or what you can?
    I am the grim reapers friend, who lends him a hand
    Shadowed in darkness, brother to the night
    Enemy and destroyer of the light
    Good does not reign where I dwell
    And hatred for mankind begins to swell"

    okeis another thing i should stress is punctuation. again you might want to get more in depth with your imagry and then let the emotions flow. It seems a bit forced..not to much though and i may be saying this out of lack of sleep.... moving on

    "and drown you in your fear"
    this is an example of imagry...
    "and drown you in your soul"

    also i noticed you tend to repeat this..
    "Beg for me to end your life," not the whole line just the words meaning.
    Try for new ways to say that okeis hon.

    Okies this line really doesnt need to be placed there its crowding up your page with unneeded words really. "For you, there will be no tomorrow" the reader asumes that when you say you will take there life.
    okies other than that nice job hon moving on...

    "Out-caste by those who claim to love
    Do as you will, prey to your god above
    He canít help you, for you have given up hope
    And here I come to hang you with your own rope
    The glory that I hold
    Is far better than that, which you have been told
    Never shall I die, for I am already dead
    And have slept the eternal slumber, on deaths bed
    Fallen is he who resists my power
    Fear me, for you will shake and cower
    My heart had faded long ago"

    actually i like this part a bit drawn out but i understand what you ment since i really dont have much to say with this part ill move on and hope to god i dont run out of time to comment.

    "Never to return, for I have closed the door
    Rejected by you, I will extract my revenge
    And squeeze the life from your withering bodies
    Till the blood flow ends
    Then I will take what is left of your remains
    And watch as your blood drains
    Laughing at your misfortune, gives me so much pleasure
    Fueling my fire, my hatred for you I can not measure
    When you see me you will scream and groan
    FOR I, AM DeathTone"

    This part confused me you might want to switch the order of how you placed it to make sence
    "And squeeze the life from your withering bodies
    Till the blood flow ends
    Then I will take what is left of your remains
    And watch as your blood drains"
    do you see what i mean?

    "FOR I, AM DeathTone"

    "FOR I AM Deathtone. or FOR I AM DEATHTONE!"
    either way you really need to fix this up with commas and periods ect.l i actually do like this its not the worst poem i ever read but either is it the best. Other than that i hope you take what i said as trying to help and not insulting im sorry if i upset you in anyway and all i can say is i try to help. Thank you for taking the time to read what i had to say.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*

    P.S.
    hope to see you in chat once more.






    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      hey... could you make a little less rhyme? it rhymed well... but it seems that thats all you wanted it to do...
    I dont see much feeling or mood to this, just rhyming and ranting about an arrogant plot to bring everyone to darkness. I dont normally like to give negative comments... but please work on this...

    Peace,

    Luke/Lareth
    | Posted on 2006-10-22 00:00:00 | by Lareth | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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