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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreamlanddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 312
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 547
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2178



    Description:
       when you wish upon a star...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreamlanddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Descending into an abyss, so infinite and so cold
    Transcending into darkness, of sorrow much too old
    Unbending like the facts of life, set in marbled stone
    Depending on her sunrise, her hand held by my own

    She's sleeping, slumbering those possibilities
    That reach for the stars
    And grab the Milky Way instead
    She's dreaming, mumbling of opportunities
    To bury scars and pray to the past, long-dead

    Sleeping Beauty, please dream away
    All realities blank checks and slips
    Forget the price for yesterday
    Carved into ancient slits across your wrists

    Don't be frightened, beautiful dreamer
    Of that chained bed of fearful anticipation
    And break the shackles, watchful redeemer
    From that pained face of hope's salvation

    And as you dream, don't let the drip
    Of rusty tears soak your cheeks' shallows
    And please believe, I won't let the ship
    Steer you into your old gallows

    Believe in happy endings, since all things come to an end
    Accept that friendship's endless; you'll always have a friend
    And as you rest
    Think the best
    Pretty thoughts to twirl into the night
    And as you imagine
    A Prince Aladdin
    A new world on a magic carpet ride

    So brush away the worry that dusts your shoulders
    As I tuck you in, forget and close those brimming eyes
    Think of tomorrow as I kiss your forehead
    Think of tomorrow
    As the moon drifts in the skies

    Baby, slumber away into Neverland
    Where everything is as it seems
    "'The time has come,' the walrus said"
    To finally smile between the sheets
    And as I'm lying next to you
    In this dreamland of you and me
    Smiling, crying, next to you
    The anxious guardian of your sleep
    In this somewhere, over the rainbow
    Where I listen to you breathe
    In my paradise beneath the pillows
    With my pretty, come-true dream





    Submitted on 2006-10-24 00:35:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      okies im here to save the day!!!
    not really probley make yours worse cause im an honesty freak when it comes to critiqueing so lets see how i can help you.....(side note i do not go into poems intending to insult of degrate the poet or their work i go into it prepaired to give them the honest truth and try to help.)

    Lets pick this thing apart shall we...?

    "Descending into an abyss, so infinite and so cold
    Transcending into darkness, of sorrow much too old
    Unbending like the facts of life, set in marbled stone
    Depending on her sunrise, her hand held by my own"

    hmmm....for some odd reason i stumbled over this. It seems like some forced rhyme but i really love the imagry. Is this by anychance a personal poem? anyway sorry to digress back to what you were saying.
    I believe you could change a few words around here and there a bit to give more of a voice to it..

    "Descending into an abyss, so infinite...so cold."

    see how it changes the voicing a bit? just remember this is a thought of mine in no way or from should you change this on account of me only if YOU yourself likes the sound.

    "She's sleeping, slumbering those possibilities
    That reach for the stars
    And grab the Milky Way instead
    She's dreaming, mumbling of opportunities
    To bury scars and pray to the past, long-dead"


    well at least there is no spelling error to correct thats kind of refreshing but what the hell am i talking about im the worst speller here!
    gahh i digress again im sorry.

    When i read this in my head its like a tounge twister lol kinda amuses me that why i read this like 5 time lol. "That" the "T" should be "t" of course you might want to use english the way it was supose to be (i dont know about you but even i dont) thats just a suggestion though for those who find grammer important. I think mumbling should be changed i dont know to what if i did i would tell you but that sounds a bit childish in such a great poem.

    "pray to the past that is long dead."
    sounds better to me that way.

    "Sleeping Beauty, please dream away
    All realities blank checks and slips
    Forget the price for yesterday
    Carved into ancient slits across your wrists"

    Period after away. comma after slips. period after yesterday. "ancient." doesnt seem to fit.
    why is it consider ancient when it seems to me (all assumtion on my part) that she still does so. well thats what i take from this poem anyway.
    "Carved into the canvas on her wrist."
    hmmm reminds me of a painting with the red streaming down....ha i like it anyway just an idea.

    "Don't be frightened, beautiful dreamer
    Of that chained bed of fearful anticipation
    And break the shackles, watchful redeemer
    From that pained face of hope's salvation"

    Hmmm rhyme...everyother line...nice.
    again with the puncuation thats really all i see wrong with your poem its actually beautiful
    "from the pained face of Hope's Salvation"
    does that sound a bit better? i dont know "that" was bothering me for some odd reason.


    "And as you dream, don't let the drip
    Of rusty tears soak your cheeks' shallows
    And please believe, I won't let the ship
    Steer you into your old gallows"

    now this i dont like...a bit off.
    "and so you dream, dont let the tears of old
    soak your shallow cheecks, and please believe, i wont let this ship steer you into your old gallows" okeis i dont like the "old" part a bit to cliqued to me.

    "Believe in happy endings, since all things come to an end
    Accept that friendship's endless; you'll always have a friend
    And as you rest
    Think the best
    Pretty thoughts to twirl into the night
    And as you imagine
    A Prince Aladdin
    A new world on a magic carpet ride"

    So far you kept a consistency between your lines...so why stop now? "Endless friendship"
    you might want to take out "you'll always have a friend" its uneeded bc of your line before that.
    "think of the best" can be edited out. "a" by Prince can be removed also. I love how you are putting in a lot of old time favorites to fairy tales brilliant in a form if you work on this poem more it might become even better.

    "So brush away the worry that dusts your shoulders
    As I tuck you in, forget and close those brimming eyes
    Think of tomorrow as I kiss your forehead
    Think of tomorrow
    As the moon drifts in the skies"

    ohohohoh i love it! its sweet simple (PUNCUATION! EVEN IF I CANT SPELL IT YOU MIGHT WANT TO PUT IT IN!!!) and you didnt over do it by emotion nice job hun!

    "Baby, slumber away into Neverland
    Where everything is as it seems
    "'The time has come,' the walrus said"
    To finally smile between the sheets
    And as I'm lying next to you
    In this dreamland of you and me
    Smiling, crying, next to you
    The anxious guardian of your sleep
    In this somewhere, over the rainbow
    Where I listen to you breathe
    In my paradise beneath the pillows
    With my pretty, come-true dream"

    HOLEY EFFING *BEEP* I LOVE THIS PART! OUT OF ALL YOUR POEM THAT IS THE MOST BRILLIANT LOVEABLE GOOSEBUMP SHIVER INDUCING PART! I ABSOLUTLY LOVE IT!

    puncuation! other than that this last stanza is making this part of my favorite good effing job! i swear that is my absolute favorite part out of this whole damn thing!!! *huggles to death*

    god i love it!

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*








    | Posted on 2006-10-24 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


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