I agree that the rhyming needs work, but for me, the issue is the inconsistency. I think unless you have a very distinct pattern, you should keep the same rhyming scheme throughout a piece, but if these are supposed to be lyrics as the description hints, I guess I'd have to hear the melody.
But I thought this was really great... very original for a love poem. Your point and your story come across really well, too.
The message is good but the rhyme feels forced like chinese food into a little pint container. The third stanza bothered me the most it felt like the food was on the plate but was still square, i just wanted to stab it with a fork and break it up. Let's go to work.
"And when he leaned in I thought how clever of him to endeavor to break down my wall by making me fall in love with a song"
my suggestion take it or leave it
"And when he leaned in I thought How clever of him Endevoring to break down my wall making me fall In love with a song.
Anyway I'm glad your writing again. Thanks again for your opinions on my book, i've done some work, but I'm not going to repost until I scrounge up a second draft. peace
Submission Name: Clever
