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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cleverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: kiddo13
    ASL Info:    28/F/TN
    Elite Ratio:    5.28 - 70/61/22
    Words: 103
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 621
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 692



    Description:
       It was a great song...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCleverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He sang to me.
    He wrote me a song;
    lit candles along the wall.
    He sang to me.
    And watched me fall.

    Nobody ever sang to me before.
    And when he finished I wanted more.
    He said,
    "Has anyone ever"
    "No. Not ever"

    And when he leaned in
    I thought how clever
    of him to endeavor
    to break down my wall
    by making me fall
    in love with a song

    And it's been so long
    since I've been kissed
    with such finesse

    But indeed I digress

    This man is clever
    No. Not ever
    has anyone sang to me.




    Submitted on 2006-10-25 14:51:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I agree that the rhyming needs work, but for me, the issue is the inconsistency. I think unless you have a very distinct pattern, you should keep the same rhyming scheme throughout a piece, but if these are supposed to be lyrics as the description hints, I guess I'd have to hear the melody.

    But I thought this was really great... very original for a love poem. Your point and your story come across really well, too.

    Good job- Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-04-20 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      The message is good but the rhyme feels forced like chinese food into a little pint container. The third stanza bothered me the most it felt like the food was on the plate but was still square, i just wanted to stab it with a fork and break it up. Let's go to work.

    "And when he leaned in
    I thought how clever
    of him to endeavor
    to break down my wall
    by making me fall
    in love with a song"

    my suggestion take it or leave it

    "And when he leaned in
    I thought
    How clever of him
    Endevoring to break down my wall
    making me fall
    In love with a song.

    Anyway I'm glad your writing again. Thanks again for your opinions on my book, i've done some work, but I'm not going to repost until I scrounge up a second draft. peace
    | Posted on 2006-10-27 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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