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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: you don't think of these thingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: girlinthephoto
    Elite Ratio:    5.51 - 701/814/56
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1788
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 640



    Description:
       there was that familiar feeling: the rush of fingers across the page; the holdyourbreathtillyouwritethislinedown sensation; the satisfaction.

    the end result might not be up to standard, but this is the jumpstart cable.

    remembering Johannesburg.

    (full title: I'm sure you don't think of these things in Jerusalem)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsyou don't think of these thingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Two or three times a year
    we swam, marco-poloed
    guided by underwater lights
    and speeding cars on a Kyalami highway.

    We insisted on staying in the deep end
    lifting our bodies out
    only after sunset
    palms flat on wet, hot brick
    as chlorine-liquid swept
    down, back, in on itself
    creating waterfalls
    on our spines.

    After we dried off,
    Rudi lit roman candles
    and gave me his purple shirt
    from Guatamela to wear.

    Then
    he grew a beard
    and outgrew us.

    His Guatamelan shirt still fits.




    Submitted on 2006-10-25 19:09:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I remember reading this piece a lot before but I couldn't comment on it because of the whole been away for three days thing.

    Your writing still contains that level of intimacy that I like, and learned from, so much. You still communicate with personal details that are too engaging to feel unfamiliar. And your poetic voice is still as invading and internally rattling as I remembered it.

    And it is still as powerful.

    I like your word choice more than anything else. It offers a wide range of emotions and comes up to the reader with an appropriate feel as to not ruin the piece. Again, fine craftsmanship.

    It's really hard when such intimacies come back to you especially when the world's laws wouldn't let you move on. They produced the heaviest kind of sadness under a measure of mourning over times gone by.

    I think that your piece expressed that well.


    I just wanted to say that.

    Thank you for writing this.
    | Posted on 2007-10-03 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      hey there indeed :-)

    and a long time it has been
    and too long it has been
    and an apology i must make as i thought i had commented on this...

    and so the apology comes in this form:

    i think this is an unfinisehd piece.

    To me it seems to speak of where you maybe at present. You have built a lovely scene in your usual eloquent way, and then you seem to pull the carpet from under us...

    but then perhaps that is the whole point, because that feeling of:

    'oh, is that it....that kind of emptiness' can be very powerful indeed.

    and then with more views it starts to feel better. better in that there seems to be regret and loss here

    and of course i am rusty :-)

    so do get in touch, i would love your input on something x

    Be well and take care

    Rob
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by on1eday.co.uk | [ Reply to This ]
      As all previous commenters have said, the imagery was wonderful. So rather than babble about that, I'll keep this short and just say this oozes with nostalgia, and being that that's all that courses through my veins as of late I was greatly attracted to this piece. The beginning, the first three strophes are so fluid, so skillfully crafted and vivid. And then "then/ he grew a beard/ and outgrew us." It's like a total stop. You were skiing down a hill then bam. A tree. But, I disagree with Daniel on adding or expanding there. I think that works because it sounds like it took you by surprise, that it happened very quickly, therefore the change of pace is just perfect. The last line though... something about it begs for either ellipses or parentheses... I don't know, just a preference I guess.

    Anyways, splendid poem. I actually favorited it awhile back on a older alias because I found it so captivating. The images are just surreal, so warm and calm, and then the ending... bah. Perfect, perfect.

    Sorry for my not contributing anything constructive...
    | Posted on 2007-02-18 00:00:00 | by wool raincoat | [ Reply to This ]
      I thought the imagery was superb. It really reminded me of being a kid. Despite that feeling I got the sense that this poem is missing a piece. It's too easy to say "he grew a beard & outgrew us" I'm not saying that you should edit that part out, just that there is room to add more and perhaps even relate how the feeling of being outgrown relates to a specific incident or even to being back in the pool.

    It's that missing element that I want to explore most.

    Great to see you here.

    DB
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      its been so long since i have read your words. im sure you are tired of hearing that right now but its true. i hope your unwritingness doesnt last too much longer but im glad youve popped by so that i can comment on this piece which i have been by and read many times recently.

    this piece is brilliant for the same reason its frustrating... the end.
    you talk in such vivid detail of chlorine waterfalls off backs after dark and then its kinda like no more. which is brilliant. its kinda like you are remembering something you promised yourself you wouldnt remember anymore coz its just so... painful... empty... and so you just stop. you cut yourself off from this memory as well as the rest on the rosary string of sacred rememberings. thats brilliant. its ends so abruptly. but then its also frustrating coz... i wanna know more. i know that there are more beautifully vivid images to come in succession and so the way it just closes me out like that is like... damn!.

    i think that the conflict between brilliance and frustration is what keeps bringing me back to this piece nancy... im glad i could finally leave a comment on it :)
    | Posted on 2007-02-17 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      that last line is the deep thought your best work gives to the reader. it makes me think about the people i once knew, and how in many ways all my progress is superficial ... how i'm essentially the same and shirts from guatemala would still fit like a glove. it makes me wonder why it is so hard to let go of the after images of happiness, long after the echo has faded from my eyes. it makes me afraid of the future, in that sense - afraid of feeling too much that it would just become something else to weigh me down when i find that i remain unchanged at my core.

    i feel too much and too little these days, unsure of what i want and what i need and how to tell the difference. but perhaps forgetting is the best course ... forgetting into the oblivion of ignorance of roman candles by the pool at sunset and pieces of your heart that won't come back to you, even if you called their name out in the streets of jerusalem. again, perhaps this is not the best critique, but your words have always inspired self reflection in me. and perhaps its time to look a little closer once more.

    write more soon,
    g
    | Posted on 2006-12-23 00:00:00 | by blueorchids | [ Reply to This ]
      mmm. leaves me unsatisfied. that's a good thing though, as it drew me and kept me anticipating.

    who is Rudi? a older friend from your childhood, like a relative? the flavor of this piece isn't love, it's nostalgia, and the feeling of him growing up and leaving you behind makes him sound special but not in a lover sense.

    lovely imagery. makes me want to swim myself. :) the first two stanzas make me want an epic story, some sort of tragedy at the end.
    i suppose to you, this ending IS tragic... but i didn't get 'tragedy' because of how vague you were about Rudi (and his leaving). how signficant was this?

    wonderful jumpstart, don't be afraid to expand. :)
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by mixedemotions00 | [ Reply to This ]
      Cool.

    I have THREE v. small suggested changes for you to look at, see if you can spot them.

    Two or three times a year
    we swam, marco-poloed
    guided by underwater lights
    and speeding cars on a Kyalami highway.

    We insisted on staying in the deep end
    lifting our bodies out
    only after sunset
    palms flat on wet, hot brick
    as chlorine-liquid swept
    down, back,
    creating waterfalls
    on our spines.

    After we dried,
    Rudi lit roman candles
    and gave me his purple shirt
    from Guatamela.

    Then
    he grew a beard
    and outgrew us.

    His Guatamelan shirt still fits.


    I think it *could* be expanded, although it is good as it is, nicely understated…

    Becky :)
    | Posted on 2006-10-29 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      Shouldn't it be "Guatemala/n"?

    Aside from that, your voice, as always, fits perfectly-- the details idiosyncratic, expressive, and spine-tingly.

    I could spout on why I like this, but I could also just say your poetry is always enjoyable to read and evokes that intangible feeling.

    And I'll leave it at that. A fave.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-10-26 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      heh, I like your thought here. I like the end result too, but I wouldn't be able to tell you why. This poem has nothing I like in a poem except it's fimilarity with the events in my life. I always like to relate to the poem, but I like this peice deeper than that, and I don't know why. So well done. Thanks for the peice.

    Wishing for more
    ~Brian
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]


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