My Jokers -------------------------------------------
"Um..um..have you ever seen my tattoo?”
The jokers faces they have two,
But there are three of them.
There eyes are fiery gems.
And there smiles are wicked.
Yet there veins do have liquid .
That is heavy like gold.
Even when there told.
All that’s is to be done.
and yet they do have fun.
In everything that is going on.
Even when there on the john.
They laugh at the sounds.
Then act like there some hounds.
That’s when they get out to the party.
And pound down a 5th of Bacardi.
And out pops the devil side.
So I say all join the ride.
To enter inside my mind.
Don’t be scared of what you find.
And don’t get lost behind.
Ok back to my jokers
They were born to play poker
They always keep a big smile
Even after a long mile
and they can be your best friend
Or worst in the end
It is all up to you
in what things you do.
U treat me like a little lad
So in return I treat you bad
Now if u treat me with respect
Pleasure is what I’ll inject
In your veins to hit your heart
So your life you can restart
Interesting. I felt like it started off a little deep and serioud and just lighter and sillier as I went on. I didn't really dig the punctuation. I suggest breaking it into actualy sentences and then punctuating it accordingly. All in all a good read. Keep it up!
Actually the rhythm here is aa bb cc dd and so forth. I can see that you've freestyled this entire write, as it all seems to have been taken off the top of your head. This is a fun way to write, but when it comes to writing and not rapping, this style can come off as a little rough.
Making a good piece takes a few more things than the sheer ability to bust rhymes. Revision, restructuring, and fixing punctuation and spelling mistakes are all important to improving any write.
"Um..um..have you ever seen my tattoo?”
I think "Hey there" or something would be a better way to start off this line.
"The jokers faces they have two,
But there are three of them.
There eyes are fiery gems.
And there smiles are wicked.
Yet there veins do have liquid .
That is heavy like gold.
Even when there told.
All that’s is to be done.
and yet they do have fun."
"All that's is to be done" isn't a correct sentence; it should be "All that's to be done".
You have a period at the end of every line,
even if the sentence continues in the next one.
This gives it a choppy feeling, and you don't need to punctuate the end of each line.
Of course, all this criticism doesn't mean it's not a good write; I like way you bring the personality of the jokers to mischievous life, and you can really use an idea, like your tatoo, as a diving board for your rhymes. I'd suggest you try improving some of your work, and paying more attention to spelling and grammar.
Pretty good idea/basis behind the write. Some parts were kind of written too... lightly? The words you used are sometimes a little too cliché, but other than that you've done fairly well.
I liked it. I've seen the joker's tat a lot, in fact an old friend of mine had one on his left arm. Was pretty cool, I liked it. Never thought you could put so much behind that tat for me. Awesome job Andrew! Keep it up....
the rhymes were simple and you stuck that abab rhyme scheme..
describing your tattoo was semi interesting..
but maybe next time you should try changing the rhymes up with some multies or punches..
Now if u treat me with respect Pleasure is what I’ll inject In your veins to hit your heart So your life you can restart
Now if you treat me with respect-i-deserve pleasure is what i'll inject-in-ya-nerves in your veins to hit your heart, like working computers your life you can restart
Submission Name: My Jokers
