This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

My Jokers


Author: DrewDilla
ASL Info:    25/M/Chicago
Elite Ratio:    2.81 - 131 /196 /51
Words: 211
Class/Type: Lyrics /Mirror or Mask
Total Views: 2599
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1265



Description:


explains some of my tattooe.


My Jokers



"Um..um..have you ever seen my tattoo?”
The jokers faces they have two,
But there are three of them.
There eyes are fiery gems.
And there smiles are wicked.
Yet there veins do have liquid .
That is heavy like gold.
Even when there told.
All that’s is to be done.
and yet they do have fun.
In everything that is going on.
Even when there on the john.
They laugh at the sounds.
Then act like there some hounds.
That’s when they get out to the party.
And pound down a 5th of Bacardi.
And out pops the devil side.
So I say all join the ride.
To enter inside my mind.
Don’t be scared of what you find.
And don’t get lost behind.
Ok back to my jokers
They were born to play poker
They always keep a big smile
Even after a long mile
and they can be your best friend
Or worst in the end
It is all up to you
in what things you do.
U treat me like a little lad
So in return I treat you bad
Now if u treat me with respect
Pleasure is what I’ll inject
In your veins to hit your heart
So your life you can restart




Submitted on 2006-10-27 16:41:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  Interesting. I felt like it started off a little deep and serioud and just lighter and sillier as I went on. I didn't really dig the punctuation. I suggest breaking it into actualy sentences and then punctuating it accordingly. All in all a good read. Keep it up!
| Posted on 2008-01-01 00:00:00 | by Draumrkopa | [ Reply to This ]
  Actually the rhythm here is aa bb cc dd and so forth. I can see that you've freestyled this entire write, as it all seems to have been taken off the top of your head. This is a fun way to write, but when it comes to writing and not rapping, this style can come off as a little rough.
Making a good piece takes a few more things than the sheer ability to bust rhymes. Revision, restructuring, and fixing punctuation and spelling mistakes are all important to improving any write.

"Um..um..have you ever seen my tattoo?”

I think "Hey there" or something would be a better way to start off this line.

"The jokers faces they have two,
But there are three of them.
There eyes are fiery gems.
And there smiles are wicked.
Yet there veins do have liquid .
That is heavy like gold.
Even when there told.
All that’s is to be done.
and yet they do have fun."

"All that's is to be done" isn't a correct sentence; it should be "All that's to be done".
You have a period at the end of every line,
even if the sentence continues in the next one.
This gives it a choppy feeling, and you don't need to punctuate the end of each line.

Of course, all this criticism doesn't mean it's not a good write; I like way you bring the personality of the jokers to mischievous life, and you can really use an idea, like your tatoo, as a diving board for your rhymes. I'd suggest you try improving some of your work, and paying more attention to spelling and grammar.

Keep writing. ;)

Jen

| Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by Jeniffer | [ Reply to This ]
  that's one crazy tattoo.

*respect*
| Posted on 2007-12-27 00:00:00 | by bogg | [ Reply to This ]
  Pretty good idea/basis behind the write. Some parts were kind of written too... lightly? The words you used are sometimes a little too cliché, but other than that you've done fairly well.

I like the last few verses the most(:
| Posted on 2007-06-03 00:00:00 | by GiveMeTheGun | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems a good ramble 2 me, I dig what ur saying about joker's, it's not thier faces that get 2 me it's the smile, still like them though...
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems a good ramble 2 me, I dig what ur saying about joker's, it's not thier faces that get 2 me it's the smile, still like them though...
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems a good ramble 2 me, I dig what ur saying about joker's, it's not thier faces that get 2 me it's the smile, still like them though...
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
  It seems a good ramble 2 me, I dig what ur saying about joker's, it's not thier faces that get 2 me it's the smile, still like them though...
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
  I liked it. I've seen the joker's tat a lot, in fact an old friend of mine had one on his left arm. Was pretty cool, I liked it. Never thought you could put so much behind that tat for me. Awesome job Andrew! Keep it up....

Holy xx
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Holy Wood | [ Reply to This ]
  as someone who grew up with gypsy jokers i can appreciate the tat of jokers AND the fact you can write about them..keep it up!!!
| Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
  not a bad write...

the rhymes were simple and you stuck that abab rhyme scheme..

describing your tattoo was semi interesting..

but maybe next time you should try changing the rhymes up with some multies or punches..

Now if u treat me with respect
Pleasure is what I’ll inject
In your veins to hit your heart
So your life you can restart

Now if you treat me with respect-i-deserve
pleasure is what i'll inject-in-ya-nerves
in your veins to hit your heart,
like working computers your life you can restart

just some ideas...take it or dont...

Sincerely
sinceer
| Posted on 2006-10-28 00:00:00 | by SinCeer05 | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



122964