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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sonnet: Satisfactions of Laundrydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 748
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 622



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSonnet: Satisfactions of Laundrydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Backwards, forwards flows the tide
    Striving constant at the shore,
    Cliffs by patient waves are tried
    Boring tireless to the core.

    Backwards, forwards moves my mind
    Years and hours brewing threat,
    Weary brainwaves delve and grind
    Impatient minutes into sweat.

    Boundless seas, always renewed,
    Will fell the cliffs in mirrored time.
    My lease is short, my axe is crude,
    My cliffs still sound and death the rhyme.

    Laundry thrown in the machine,
    It gets finished, it gets clean.





    Submitted on 2006-10-30 00:42:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Line 4 maybe use 'bore' for the rhyme & lose 'core' because it interferes with the vivid visual in this stanza. That is, cliffs and shorelines don't have a core. Maybe 'wore' would help with the internal rhyme there? Next - brainwaves are wearing away your time, that is very skillful! (thinx: can Lerlim keep this up?) Maybe 'delve' isn't exactly the right word for where it appears here. Delve is too close to 'dig' ... it needs a strong energy word here. Even 'dig' might work better. The last stanza & couplet made me go "Uh?" kind of jolted by a sudden flurry of mixed metaphors. I can tell you for sure that doesn't work! But the meaning, where that laundry figure is brought in to go with the previous seashore figure, works works ok & must not be lost should you change those ending lines. One bit I like a lot: the brain/seashore/wasing machine figure is complicated and makes me read the poem a second time imeediately, to get the patterns clear and consider them. This is a good thing for a short poem to do, I am sure.
    | Posted on 2006-11-24 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I really enjoyed the read. I clicked on the title thinking it would be a rollicking washerwomen (man) poem and instead I got something quite wonderful and I think a little profound. I liked the oceanic rocking sloshing rhythm of the piece. Is the "death the rhyme" talking about the rime of the sea? Which again, goes back to the seemingly endless motion of your thoughts. It could make me a little dizzy if I kept on thinking about it too much. My grandfather gave great advice that could be the answer to this poem. He said "don't sweat the small stuff". Thanks again for a really well done poem.

    Rick
    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by tagit | [ Reply to This ]
      Huh! The last last two lines are really awesome.... haha, I was really kind of hoping that this would actually be a piece reflecting the title in its literal sense... because I find an odd satisfaction with laundry, but... "Backwards, forwards goes the tide" that's a nice way to begin it, tricking me into thinking it actually will be about laundry... then you go off on lines like "Will fell the cliffs in mirrored time.", lines that I really enjoyed. Mirrored time? Pure genuis.

    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2006-10-30 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an intruiging piece. Certainly unique. It astounds me that you spent so much use of imagery on describing dirty clothes. It took me a second read to grasp the full meaning of the metaphores, and I still don't understand what you meant by "and death the rhyme". The cliffs are the dirt in the clothes, the waves obviously being the soapy water, and throughout all your impatience.

    The style, a mock replication of a sonnet, is affective in this piece, and also allows you wider boundaries as a writer to express your desired meaning. My only nitpicks would be to add commas after "delving" in line seven, and after "finished" in line fourteen. That all said, I'd like to compliment you: ES needs more ambiguous writes.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-10-30 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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