ok, I'm VERY very very very very (etc.) sorry but this is the only comment I can give tonight, I Might have to wait until friday but if I end up waiting until I friday (as long as I can get on the compy) I promise I"ll comment on every write you have posted . *sighs* I'm not always this lazy, just busy, tired, etc. anyway..... "Cut into me and make me bleed So that I may feel your pain" ~for such basic (and I don't mean that as an insult.) wording you made a big impact with this and made it into a wonderful start, I have a lot of respect for you if this is about "just a friend" because a lot of the time, so many people take friends for granted. (actually it's still something to respect even if it's for someone you love in a different way....it's just different.) I've felt this so many times...if I can't take someone's pain completely and I care about them than at the very least I wish to share it.
"Share with you, your sadness And despise those who created it" ~selfless care, you feel things so deeply and express them so well, one write and I already consider you a beautiful writer. (that doesn't happen often at all. ) The thing about selfless love though [that I'm still having a bit of a hard time accepting to be honest.] is that sometimes there's nothing you can do to help that person and you have to let them be in pain until they figure it out for themselves, that hurts so much watching someone you care about.
"I want to be where you are And see the things that you do" ~you have so much talent, I Just had to say that...you're such a genuine writer, I already love your writing if it's half as good as this it's definatly worth reading. There's so much hurt in this write; reminds me of my life, that's one of the worst feelings ever, loving and caring for someone so much that you'd do anything for them and not being able to.
"I want to wallow in your sorrow Forever trapped in misery" ~this is so perfect.....this entire write, it feels like you took it from my thoughts, it's great to feel like someone else relates...even if it is in such regret and sorrow. I'm so sorry that you're feeling/ have felt this way; I know I've only read one write but I feel like you're the kind of person who deserves more happiness than this. I feel the same way about my BF right now, I cant' feel right being happy when he isn't, and I'd much rather share his sorrow than try to be 'happy' knowing he isn't.
*To suffer as you have been Scream as you do* ~quite like every line of this you inject your feelings into the reading so quickly....intoxicating and heartbreaking, you're talent makes me so jealous.
*Tell me your hearts desires I need to feel them within* ~this probably hits the hardest for me, it reminds me of the night my ex killed himself, we were both in his room and he was going to cut (again) and we ended up argueing, fighting, crying and he said he wouldn't do anything stupid....he lied..or maybe he didn't, either way I could have....would have shared it with him, would have taken whatever of that pain that I could have to see him smile....I feel so silly, getting into details and wasting your time when I'm supposed to be focusing on your write, I"m sorry, it's been so long since I read something that made me cry. I'm in love with this write, i'd be honored to have it on my faves list. "Die with you I will Live for you I shall" ~I'm officially jealous of your friend, I don't have many friends, and definatly not many who would promise that I'd be remembered even....i loved the concept behind these lines. Dying with someone, so they are the last thing you'll ever see...and living for them because you couldn't imagine leaving them <3. "Close to you is where I need to be Your friend for eternity" ~sweet ending, it could have been more intense but it didn't by any means need to be. Your entire write was amazing....I'm speechless, that hasn't happened in far too long!!! I love this write so much, I can't wait to read more of your stuff. sorry this comment sucks so much, I"m in a bit of a hurry, take care <3, ~jess
yay a new poem! *hops up and down* LEMME SEE! *goes wide eyed* hehe sorry a bit bored here anyway lets rip this open shall we! muhahahahahha
okesi sorry digressing and stuff back to your poem...hmm love the consistency hun makes it a LOT easyer to critique.
"Cut into me and make me bleed"," "s"o that I may feel your pain"."
ohohoh! good line! damn... okeis PUNCUATON!!!!! IF I KNEW HOW TO UNDERLINE I WOULD DO IT! but yeah ya get my point hehe. lets fix it up a bit okie dokie?
now as to what i think about this line....its beautiful it actually made me think and im glad to say that cause i love thinking when it comes to poems. Nice job and i agree with your first commenter that its simplistic BUT it holds more than the words you give in other words there is far more to be seen under the surface.
"Share with you, your sadness"," "a"nd despise those who created it"."
now is this to your wife? I know thats a WAY to personal question for me (your reader) to ask and i DO NOT expect you to answer at all. But i love the feel of anger that outways the pain and goes into justifed hatred. I think this may be one of your best peices hon.
"I want to be where you are"," "a"nd see the things that you do","
This reminds me as to what mikey said to me when i slit my wrist yesterday. He cried and beged me to share with him why i did so he said he wanted to know what when on in my head what made me tick he wanted to protect me and i couldnt give him the answers to that. Never ask anyone that because it hurts them more when you cant offer the answers they wish to hear...lets fix this one up also honey. the "," at the end is optional and you may use a "." also but i just placed that in so you know there is more options to the punctuation.
"I want to wallow in your sorrow"." Forever trapped in misery"."
"i want to take your pain...and hold onto it myself." those are the words i said to mikey when he broke down cause he thought he was literally losing me...and i couldnt honestly tell him he wasnt cause of how much blood i lost. this actually is sobering me up for im seeing my own feelings in cold black and white a bit disturbing and bringing out a lot of bittersweet emotions...
"To suffer as you have been Scream as you do"
this line could be replaced though. Its not needed as much for your previous line brings out more emotion this is about like draging it out. BUT if you keep this ill comment on it also "To suffer through what you have been, my screams echoing yours." there that seems to fit to me honey. God this is really a touching poem its like a blow to the face for everyline cause i feel this way and have felt this way and just the way you captured it in such a simple form its amazing....
"Tell me your hearts desires"," I need to feel them within"."
what you are stating here (as i am taking this) is that you wish to be closer to this person you wish to know them as you know yourself or even more so. God damn it this is killing me its so just damn Perfect in a scence of capturing the right feelings and bringing it out in your reader...and killing me from the inside out.
"Die with you I will Live for you I shall"
"To die for you i will, yet you wish for me to live so i shall." or "My last breathe is yours, my life shall last and live with you." or "i shall die for you in neverending pain, if you desire i shall live for you as well."
god...im going into a damn depression.
"Close to you is where I need to be Your friend for eternity"
"Close to you is where i need to be, your friend beyond eternity." or "close to you is where ill always be, forever yours past eternity."
god im [censored] speachless and amazed and heartbroken and remember to much [censored] i wish not to remember. Im in love with this peice and i WILL add this to my favorites list...this poem deserves the most prestige of all honors and the glory of all readers. Thank You.
It's a really warm piece. Honest in it's simplistic style. You say you didn't know where you were going with this one. Is there anywhere further to go with this theme? You could edit and add for the rest of your life, but you summed up the true essence of friendship pretty well.
Submission Name: Feel Your Pain
. *sighs* I'm not always this lazy, just busy, tired, etc. anyway.....
) The thing about selfless love though [that I'm still having a bit of a hard time accepting to be honest.] is that sometimes there's nothing you can do to help that person and you have to let them be in pain until they figure it out for themselves, that hurts so much watching someone you care about.