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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: To Patrickdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1124
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 843



    Description:
       Hi, I'd appreciate comments on what you understand on reading this. I'm not sure it's quite clear as it stands. The comments received up to now suggest that there is some lack of clarity in what I intend. Thanks, Lerlim


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTo Patrickdots
    -------------------------------------------


    To Patrick

    Thank you, Patrick, for the gentle nudge
    (Nine point two on the R-scale to be true),
    A heart-quake forcing gripped gearwheels to budge:
    Lightning cleaves and iced-in wings tear through.

    Not for the first a love-trap snaps on me,
    Nor for the last that I am bandaged-hearted
    But ne'er before have lovers sparked off poesy,
    Starting creativity unthwarted.

    Pulsating joy to puzzle and to sift
    Through words, a bliss to ponder feeling,
    Fitting sound to sentiment. A gift,
    A game of craft and rhythm rhyme and cunning.

    A crisp elation in expression presses
    Out despair explored in re-creation,
    Blesses, solving sorrow into phrases
    Captured in ecstatic intonation.





    Submitted on 2006-10-30 15:17:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Lerlim. I love that your poetry is thought provoking and takes more than one read to identify that which you are trying to convey. Though (because of this), it may lose a fraction of its impact, it does make me feel intelligent to attempt it! :O)

    To address the request issued in your poems' description:
    1. 9.2 seems too specific compared to the rest of the poem and therefore out of place.
    2. R-scale satisfies the metrics, but most people will naturally think 'Richter', extending it, and losing the point of your mastery.
    3. The use of 'iced-in wings' tear through' confuses, as I am not sure why there are wings, and what 'iced-in' would be like and what they are tearing through?
    4. The fourth line of the third stanza: 'A game of craft and rhythm rhyme and cunning' - seems stilted.

    All this aside, the more I read it, the more I appreciate it. The level of mastery here is a thing of beauty, joy forever :O)

    Thanks.

    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
      Dang, you are good with metre & rhyme! What I mean by 'good' is: the rhyme & rhythm work with the sense as I read, and there is so much pleasure in that. It's a hard thing to describe and I never yet found anything scholarly to read about it; but I guess that's what makes song and recital different from cerebral & abstract literary work (that I prefer to make, mostly) ... you still hear the sound in your head anyway. LucyDiamond says something about inventing words: I love to read those! Probably everyone does. Poets invent them in a different field from journalists and the like. Try counting how many words from 'Jabberwocky" got into the language .... and trying to classify what exact sort of a poem that IS ! Now here's a question: I 'lost' the grammar & therefore the sense, reading Lines 3 & 4. 4 parallels 3, but the tenses which are used dosomehow confuse the ear. A possible alternative to compare:

    Thak you, Patrick, for the gentle nudge
    (Nine point two on the R-scale to be true):
    A heartquake forced gripped gearwheels to budge;
    Lightning cleaved and iced-in wings tore through.

    OK, it puts the metre out, etc; but it is just to show the grammar point I was making. Your lines there are correct grammatically but awkward poetically ... maybe?

    New loves don't always bring us what we thought they were bringing?
    | Posted on 2006-11-28 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this is really laced with a poet's soulful vocabulary... or at least, a very interesting one...words like"gearwheels, bandaged-hearted, unthwarted, crisp elation" are not common and really kind of stopped me in my tracks thinking, and they stop the flow as well... also... I am jealous of the phrase "Captured in ecstatic intonation". SO jealous. :-0 But otherwise, kind of confusing. :-/

    Peace, LucyDiamond
    | Posted on 2006-10-30 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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