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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Partly rewrite Partly Flash back of Hes after herdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PryncessVynom
    ASL Info:    21/f/amarillo Tx
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 983/1060/230
    Words: 464
    Class/Type: Story/Misc
    Total Views: 130
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2646



    Description:
       help me with this guys


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPartly rewrite Partly Flash back of Hes after herdots
    -------------------------------------------


    3 years before

    “IRENE!!! HELP!!” Sheila screamed trying to fend off the man. “Please!!” She sobbed arms tired with pounding at the mans chest. She was losing she knew, only a moment of time before he had her. Irene and herself had been taking the shortcut from school through the alley when two men had grabbed them. She could hear Irene screaming for her help just as she was screaming for hers and knew that no one would help them. “Please” She whispered to the man. “Please I have nothing you want.”
    “Yes you do” His voice was gravelly and harsh. She could smell the whiskey on his breath. He pinned her arms down with one had and pulled at his pants with the other. “You have a lot I want”
    “Please” Sheila whispered again. She had no way to fight. Irene had stopped screaming and she knew what was going on in the shadow of the other dumpster. The man leaned down and kissed her neck. “Come on baby it's not that bad.” She screamed again and he laughed. He had his pants unbuckled now and was working on hers. Sheila sobbed and tried to fight again. He grabbed her chin and pulled close to her. “Don't fight me or I will kill you. I'll just have my fun--” A broken lamp crashed on his head. Irene was standing above him. Her copper hair was tangled and her white shirt torn and dirty. Tear tracks marred her face.
    “I'm sorry I wasn't quicker” She said and fell to her knees, Sheila grabbed her and they lay there until another group took the same shortcut and found them, huddled in misery sobbing against each other next to the unconscience bodies of there captors.

    Present time

    "I'm sorry," She whispered and dropped her friends hand, "I'll try and come back!" She ran down the last flight of stairs and out the parking lot door. She fell against one of the pillars and knew no matter what came she couldn't move now. "What the hell is going on?"
    "He's still after you." Sheila turned her head towards him, she didn't have energy for much else. It was the man from the park again.
    "Who are you?" She asked wiping her face. "Who is he, what the hell is going on."
    "You can call me Micheal but we are not safe enough yet to talk of much else. Come on" He started away.
    "I can't" The words echoed in her mind, she knew that Irene had said the same thing and she had just left her. She expected no less of Micheal.
    "Come on." He held out his hand, pulling her up.
    "Okay"




    Submitted on 2006-10-31 00:33:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting, this does reallyshow marked improvement, the use of detail and heated emotions. Also you are flexing your vocabulary a bit more, keep it up. THe flashback is a little confusing, if I didn't already know what was happening, it would be a little hard to grasp the flashback, you might try, and you very well might be, but you might try flashing back a pinch earlier, setting the scene a little more fully if you are gonna start with a flashback, the point of a flashback after all is to educate the reader on what the character was doing before we met them in the story. Otherwise, you are definitley improving, keep trying new words, and take your time, don't rush. And keep re-writing it is definitley improving each time! I hope you notice that because I see it! You have alot to be proud of already, keep up the good work!
    | Posted on 2006-10-31 00:00:00 | by Nihilist Weasel | [ Reply to This ]


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