they sent me home from work today.
i showed up with my dr note in my hot little hand and all i managed to get out was, "ummm...i have strep? and i went to the hospital sunday? and the dr gave me this..."
and thenlike the red sea parting before moses, all of the little office chairs that were occupied suddenly scooted fifteen feet away from me and the secrtaries in charge of break (who i think of as my enemies) were holding up thier hands to ward off my invisible plague germs. faces went white as wax. one of my bosses, a rotund sweaty yuckball named randy, lowered his head onto his desk and his shoulders shook from either laughter or hysterics and he cried out in a highpitched girlie voice, "where are the donuts?! has anybody covered the donuts?". faces popped up from behind cubicals like prairie dogs sensing a coyote in thier midst. finally one of the secretaries recovered enough to exclaim ,"what are you doing here?! you're contagious for like three days!!!" i pushed the dr's note grimly towards them and said, "well, if it's contagion you're worried about, actually i was contagious for around eight days before the symptoms even manifested, dear.". one of the other secretaries uttered a little shriek and covered her face in horror. whispers echoed around the cubical walls. randy moaned and shook his head, "go home. go home. go home today." was al i could make out from his suit coat which muffled his voice. "yes, go home, go home. you're excused." chanted the secretaries. "but, my dr's note only covers one day and that was yesterday." i countered still sliding the germy note across the desk. one foolish girl spoke up and said, "you can get another one, go home and get another one for today!". "nope, i had to go to hospital for this one and i ain't sititng there for another eight hours. dr says i'm just fine. i feel a cough coming on, excuse me". "please go home, you really shouldn't be here! i don't want strep!!!" yelped another one, obviously in a panic. she scooted her office chair backwards into the cubical wall behind her and gave a little yipping noise when she realised that she was trapped and could go no furthur. "are you saying that i get a sick day and you don't dock me for going home today?" i countered patting the dr's note (the feeling of absolute power was beginning to make me feel drunk), "i can't afford to miss another day with the holidays coming on...". "yes, yes, we'll work it all out, just go home today and we hope you feel better real soon!!" called the secretaries from behind a barrier of files, " have you got a ride? call your boyfriend to pick you up!!! goodbye! goodbye, arden!!". 'well, then, ladies, here's my note. i'd like to keep the origional for my records." i answered. "no, no, i'm not going to touch that!!" the secretary practically sobbed, "it's crawling with germs! has anyone seen the lysol?" her voice rose on that last word like a fat diva in an opera. the cubical serfs watching safely from thier tiny particle board shelters began to giggle among themselves. i merrily strolled past the donuts and resisted the urge to cough over them as i went by. outside the sun was shining brightly and birds were singing to usher in a pleasant day of relaxation and rest. a late co-worker scurried past glancing back at me as he fumbled for his passcard and juggled his hot coffee and cellphone. he looked faintly curious. "don't get too close." i warned him smugly, "i have Plague.". he scampered away and lept over the row of decorative shrubbery in front of the door. he didn't look back. ahhhh...nothing beats the feeling of absolute Power.