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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Magnetic Whiplashdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Kristen Gudsnuk
    ASL Info:    21/f/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.62 - 182/229/86
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 994
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1572



    Description:
       it just seems like high time for another "why god why" kinda poem ^_^ I didn't proof read this, just wrote it for shits and giggles, so sorry if it's bad :)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMagnetic Whiplashdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When I think about the turn of events
    My thoughts are incoherent, as if someone has shaken my skull
    My brain sloshing like ice cubes in soda
    It's hardly emotion, more like a reaction
    Knee-jerk sadness without understanding
    (the situation slightly humdrum, but to me,
    soul-shattering with just two words)
    I notice about my existence:
    Magnets.
    Pulling me from one second to another
    Grounding me on this mortal coil
    A steady magnet pull towards some godunknown end

    But sometimes I feel like life isn't sure
    Where it wants to pull me
    So it squirms back and forth, like a Great Dane
    Walking me, rather than me walking it
    Sometimes I feel that those steady yanking magnets confuse themselves
    Something little happens
    (Someone coughs, or sighs),
    and miniscule breezes
    Turn the magnets on their heads
    Like that movie The Butterfly Effect
    And suddenly it's opposite day!
    And suddenly I'm caught in its crossfire
    The wounded kid you see on TV with
    A bloody leg stump and ashes on her cheeks

    I've always said my life
    Is a series of self-sabotaging events
    Half in jest
    It's because I can't control anything; fucking magnets
    Are unmoveable statues, with roots like ancient oak trees
    (Though I wear my arms out trying)
    Yanked around by magnets, a rag doll
    Emotion is just a manifestation of the whiplash




    Submitted on 2006-11-01 08:33:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      What a concept. Fab poem. I think you need to weed it a bit, there's some repetition and a few stale lines, but you've got a really tight, coherent first verse, a promising second one, and a strong close. I like where it's going, so I think you could work it up a bit more if you so chose.

    Reminds me of a poem I wrote one time (I know it's extremely rude to do this is a comments box, but what the hey, it's very short):

    ---

    Give or take
    attraction or repulsion

    do magnets feel this lonely
    on their own?

    ---

    Anyway, well done, it's a lovely piece. Keep it up.
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ]


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