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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Populardots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: throughmyvoice
    ASL Info:    19/f/US of A
    Elite Ratio:    3.63 - 69/113/51
    Words: 296
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 898
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1885



    Description:
       ehhhhhhhhh not very fond of it could use some guidance for the thoughts i cant seem to organize


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPopulardots
    -------------------------------------------


    Plastic smiles with jagged edges
    Flash their headlights towards my way
    For once Iíd like to hear the true meaning of what someone has to say

    This world of hypocrites, of shallow waters
    In every mindís pool
    Where no one cares to dive deeper
    In this hellhole called high school

    Where the stains of whispers hang on the walls
    Daunting trophies to listen to
    Catching glimpses of their echoes while
    Dodging looks, sharp and cruel

    Unapproachable and so remote
    This paradise amongst the poverty
    A world of the famed, of the beautiful
    Of those untouched by reality

    And one look from their empty eyes
    A blessing from the worshipped
    A highly coveted prize
    But the chalice is half empty from where you sipped
    And the nectar of the gods is a lie

    A kind word, a quiet ďhiĒ
    A gift from them to you bestowed
    So you'll smile back and make a try
    To befriend them in the hallways roamed

    But remember, their shiny locks hiss of snakes
    Their cocky grins flash to raise the stakes
    So if you meet the gaze of these fakes

    They will turn your heart to stone
    Or force you to be alone

    This tilting world, of jocks and girls
    Admired and known amongst all who donít matter
    It must be nice to be at the center of the world
    It must be nice to never watch it shatter

    And so they flock, those birds of paradise
    Shedding feathers wherever they please
    They squawk and chirp for any attention possible
    They loved to be petted; they love to preen

    And they wonít watch where their droppings fall
    So make sure youíre not the target
    They will not care at all




    Submitted on 2006-11-01 13:29:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Unapproachable and so remote
    This paradise amongst the poverty
    A world of the famed, of the beautiful
    Of those untouched by reality"
    That was the most striking thing I have
    ever had the pleasure of envisioning. That's saying somethin because I'm not really big on poetry with ryhming schemes.
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Enslaved Shonen | [ Reply to This ]
      "Where the stains of whispers hang on the walls"

    I don't need any more than this one line to prove to me that you're a fantastic writer. What a line. Jeez. And that's by no means the only great line in the piece: there are tons of them.

    "Admired and known amongst all who donít matter
    It must be nice to be at the center of the world
    It must be nice to never watch it shatter"

    The above is quite nice too, and still not even my favourite. As a poem, it's novel, it's innovative, and some of your thoughts are as incisive and clever as they come.

    But it needs revision, I think. I mean, you kind of say as much in your description, and I do agree. These lines:

    "They will turn your heart to stone
    Or force you to be alone"

    "And they wonít watch where their droppings fall
    So make sure youíre not the target
    They will not care at all"

    They need to be cut, really, or at least I think so. You mix metaphors quite a bit (birds? Gods? Plastic? Make your mind up! ;) and your rhyming is a bit all over the place.

    But I loved it. Seriously. From one high school student to another :D
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ]


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