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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: **Blooddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Caotic_Disaster
    ASL Info:    16/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 447/349/148
    Words: 93
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 756
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 667



    Description:
       This is a repost. I got like 2 comments last time i posted, so hopefully i will get more this time. Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots**Blooddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Bloody knife
    Placed at his feet
    His mind keeps racing
    Trapped in the moment
    Overpowered by rage
    But filled with guilt
    The once happy filled home
    With cherished memories
    Now splattered with little red dots
    Staining the waxed hardwood
    Broken glass littering the floor
    Taking a step forward
    He peeks through the blinds
    His heart begins beating
    Louder and faster
    He swivels around
    And his heart
    Leaps to his throat
    Knife in his heart
    His eyes take one last glance
    A once white shirt sprinkled with
    Blood.





    Submitted on 2006-11-01 13:59:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hi,
    I don't know if my interpreation matches your intention...but here's what I think...
    It's about a person who has murdered someone in the HOUSE you've placed the piece in, and most probably it is a family member or a friend that he has killed, as a reaction to something, and that's why the RAGE....but then the realisation , the GUILT...
    It made me feel as if it was a reminiscence...a painful memory that you've written about, true or not....
    The feelings of rage, guilt, the mention of "looking at it one last time", all that....
    I think it can be improved by changing a few words, to create a more ghastly effect, you know what i mean? I really like the line "Knife in heart" it's perfect!
    Keep writing!
    Mihir
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by mihir | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. It's a bit choppy and short. Also don't have a clue what it's about xD

    Could be expanded with a bit of a back story. :D just my opinion. If not, you can shoot me. well, not really. :|


    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-11-29 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      good story sounded like one to me but its good keep writting
    | Posted on 2006-11-26 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]
      The repitition weakens the piece, is has a few issues with flow and syntax in places.
    you seem to be creating a very choppy read and re-useing simple stradegys and words for your own sake of reading. you have much room to grow but a basic canvas left for you to paint upon, you other writes are better.


    Kage
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by obsidiandreams | [ Reply to This ]
      Wish there was a story to go with it. Very well done. Keep on writing.
    ~chelle
    | Posted on 2006-11-28 00:00:00 | by Priestess | [ Reply to This ]


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