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    dots Submission Name: Nights of Sorrowdots

    Author: disturbedx1000
    ASL Info:    28/m/ny
    Elite Ratio:    3.67 - 204/326/124
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 870
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 479

       hmmmm i don't think anyone will get the actual way the person is there. only my babe will i believe but take a shot. lol

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNights of Sorrowdots

    her voice so close,
    whispering in your ear,
    her words so soft,
    they please you to sleep,

    she is so far away,
    miles bringing you close,
    the distance is nothing,
    together your in your dreams,

    hearing her breath,
    feeling her heart,
    is what comforts you most,
    never wanting to wake,

    sure enough,
    that morning comes,
    when you wake,
    she isn't there...

    Submitted on 2006-11-01 14:52:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The first thing that strikes me is the overuse of commas. I know that's an awful thing to say about a poem, which is why it needs to be remedied very quickly - every line ends in a comma, which means it's all one big, breathless sentence through to the end. This disrupts rather than adds to the flow.

    Overall, though, it does offer a certain comforting warmth which is duly snatched from under the reader's feet at the end line. I'm not sure about the title, because I think it gives away the end (like a novel, hee hee) too much. I also love the line "that morning comes" because it suggests that you've always known it was coming some time.

    Why is addressed in the second person, by the way? No problem or anything, but did you try it in the first and third persons as well? It might sound better. Just an idea.

    And perhaps work a little on the general idea of it: is it a tad clichéd?

    I don't mean to be overly critical. It is a nice poem, and if I didn't think you were capable of revising it to make it better, I wouldn't suggest it. Good luck :)
    | Posted on 2006-11-01 00:00:00 | by Lily George | [ Reply to This ]

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