There was a tree with its limbs broken
A bent lamp-post with a dim light
Just a bit of haze and a little rain
Now the pavement is glistening
I’m sitting there watching tears fall
They left my eyes a drop full of sorrow
And hit the ground and turned insignificant
Like you did with me
My heart now leaning toward suicide
Let the blade loose just slide through
Close my eyes and drift off for a ghost ride
This started off a new day
Fresh pink petals I bought
Threw them into the bath water I ran for you
Sat on the side of the tub just to talk to you
Couldn’t stand being in the other room waiting for you to come back
Saw her eyes closed my eyes now ran water
I kissed her on her cheek; she looked at me and brought her lips to my eyes
Kissed those tears away and told me today is a new day
…… She is here without anyone knowing
Her mom and dad told her never to see me again
My skin color it’s not like theirs; I thought racism was over…
No matter how much her father hit her she came right back
She let me know my love is all she wants the rest of her life
Sex was a beautiful thing everything was beautiful as long as she smiled
…… We took a ride on this cloudy night she drove
I decided to sit there and give her little kisses so she can blush every second
Did little whispers until she heard me and whispered them back
Wasn’t until I looked up and saw lights heading straight for her…
Heading straight for her….
Right then I was going to ask her to be my wife.
She’s gone forever …Now what am I?
An insignificant tear for the pavement
| Unlike Syn, I enjoy shortcut grammar and leaving out the punctuation marks that folk expect in prose! The chief poetical technique is finding ways to to hit every reader with the "new world" of verse: it's intense, it's for keeps, no fear and any rules are optional! I also thought that the capital letters for the last line were off ... at first ... but after thinking about it, I see that it's the title repeated, as if you felt that the poem sums you up as a whole so that it's your name too. Another thought: that's scary. Maybe you need to lighten up. You DO have that much constructive energy, too, or otherwise you couldn't write good poetry like this. Please make a lot more poems please?||| Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ] || Very nice. I get the feel of it- very sweet and poignant... There are three things I must point out, though:|
'My skin color it's not like theirs; I thought racism was over'.
This being such an important line for the piece, you need better punctuation.
Try 'My skin color- it's not like theirs... I thought racism was over...'
And 'Sex was a beautiful thing everything was beautiful when she smiled' needs to be 'Sex was a beautiful thing- everything was beautiful when she smiled...'
And then the last pertinent line, 'We took a ride on this cloudy night she drove' needs to be clearer... as I completely skipped over that line and got confused as to why a car would be in the bathroom...
Try 'We took a ride on this cloudy night, and she drove...' Simply throwing an 'and' in there will make the line that much clearer.
Last thing- Don't capitalize the entire last line. It is obvious that it is the tag line and the title.
You don't need to over-emphasize that.
Okay! Good show, good piece, very emotional and yet distant... like the person really hasn't come to grips with it yet...
Hope the review helps a bit-
I enjoyed your piece.
|| Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ] |