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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sonnet: Though you loved himdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 954
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 734



    Description:
       Special thanks to Chris for helping me revise this!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSonnet: Though you loved himdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Though you loved him you love me not! Not mind,
    Nor heart can grasp this jagged flinty thought:
    My reason grapples caught in baffled bind,
    Taut feelings twist into a tighter knot.

    His petty thoughtless treasons should remind
    You that a handsome flask divulges naught.
    Beneath fair skin and sinew were enshrined
    Dull wines. Yet you loved him and love me not!

    Am I too thin? too spiny? face too lined?
    And yet it seemed my bread and verse had brought
    You joy. I hate my features misaligned!
    Can you not see the hidden spirit sought?

    Would that I could control my outer form
    And to your fantasies of flesh conform.




    Submitted on 2006-11-02 12:36:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Reading this I feel quite modern and reckless.

    I'm sorry but I can't be enthusiastic about this at all.

    It reminds me of some of my first attempts at sonnetry and I say this without meaning to imply that I'm a pro, only that with time you can look back and see why others cringed to read your work.

    The inversions kill it for me and bring a lot of your end rhymes into question. If it was focused and eloquent then it might hunt but... it is a little of both and there's no reason why this can't be 1990 something as opposed to back in the day.



    | Posted on 2009-03-10 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Lerlim :o)

    I have been away a while. Great to return & see that my memory of your craft was true. I have noted some of the other critique on this sonnet, though to be honest I have never been big on technical integrity (check out my site, lol).

    I enjoy the honest emotion here. So honest (& I can actually relate just right now!) that it is like having front row tickets to watch a train wreck!!! Hopefully this situation is in your past & you have enjoyed the bittersweet sensation of letting the relationship go; allowing room for perhaps a more fulfilling one.

    Bek
    | Posted on 2007-09-26 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a wonderful sonnet. Very well written and expressed. And such a sad tale it tells, one of love and frustration. Makes me think of "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" as sometimes you sit and ponder as to why in the world someone would be in love with who they are in love with and no matter how hard you try you fail to see it. Having deep feelings for someone who doesnt return the feelings sucks bigtime. A most frustrating situation this is. As I always say, the hell with them. Life is full of wonderful people it just takes time to find them. But well worth the wait. Anyway, you did a fine job writing this one.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-12-06 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      A very nicely written sonnet with an ideal subject well handled. I see only two places that really jump out at me
    Nor mind
    Nor heart can grasp this jagged flinty thought:

    I do believe the first 'nor' should be 'not'...."Not mind, nor heart....alternatively you could continue as one thought through the first line and replace the 'nor' with 'and'....but as I look at it it seems to me it may be difficult to change if you do not like the idea of two 'not' s in a row. It does not particularly bother me, in fact it seems to emphasize the whole idea of negativity.

    The second spot that seems to call for a tweak is

    Am I too thin? too spiny? my face too lined?

    I think the 'too spiny', as well as conjuring strange images (of hedgehogs and cacti) throws the line. How about

    "Perhaps I am too thin my face too lined" Just a suggestion.

    Minor details in an otherwise well wrought sonnet.
    ~chris

    p.s. I would like to see this one with stanza breaks....the shifts in thought/argument seem to coincide perfectly



    | Posted on 2006-12-03 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      'Beneath fair skin and sinew were enshrined
    Dull wines.'

    'Dull wines' is the blood, right? Shaw! I'm envious of that one. Dull wines! I might use that one day.

    'my face too lined? ... I hate my features misaligned!'

    Clever wordplay too. And I especially enjoyed the ending. It sort of reminds me of the countless "Moon-Sun" pieces I have written. Especially 'Pair Morning With The Night'.
    Say, is the subject perhaps younger than you? The phrase, 'my face too lined' suggests that.

    At any rate!

    In deed,
    Nobody.
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by Lacrimosa | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi PH,
    I could critique this with nits Ė iambs incorrect here or there, and the like. However, after seeing your other work, I would do this with trepidation: Youíre a much better poet than me, and itís obvious this was written too quickly. Understandably, emotion overrode technique. In the same situation, I would have avoided writing altogether. Hence, let me just say I admire your emotional honesty and your courage in even writing of this under the circumstances.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow thats a bad place to be... I like the word play though. The whole poem kind of makes me think about when your young, plucking petals from a flower. Nice though but honestly in my opinion I think you should run for the hills I've been there done that and it can only get worse. Hope my advice isn't unwelcome...
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Kersofmia | [ Reply to This ]
      Very emotive, interesting story behind this REAL SONNET, keep making them, you're a legend! Based on my small study of the sonnet, this is a well made one and your feeling for truth in the use of poetic devices is deep. Must be lots wrong with it, but who cares? (I agree with Kersofmia about putting the situation into your past! But glad you wrote the poem first ... I'm selfish like that.)
    | Posted on 2006-11-02 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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