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    dots Submission Name: Under Your Crowndots

    Author: Liv2LoveThePain
    ASL Info:    19 - F - Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.23 - 1527/1515/256
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1039
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 686

       It's not perfect. I think it's too literal, but what else can I say?

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUnder Your Crowndots

    You feel like a king with your hands in her hair,
    twisting and ripping each strand to declare
    your place in the castle of rags that she wears.
    Her smile dims, screaming, "He loves me, I swear."

    You tell them you're God when they ask why you steer
    wheels toward her ribs with sick laughter (sincere).
    Glued to the wall, like the stitches each year
    wasted on love that they watch disappear...

    And you're the magician with eyes of a clown,
    shattering windows then crawling through town.
    Mangle her feet so she can't walk around,
    then smile politely from under your crown.

    Submitted on 2006-11-02 23:04:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I loved it, you know I love you and this write was as usual GREAT, I have nothing negative to say I just loved it....

    great write
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by L.L.COLLINS | [ Reply to This ]
      this was absolutely amazing. It IS PERFECT. Im glad that i have the priveledge to read such amazing works af art that you bless us veiwers with. I dont think it was too literal. I understood it but you still wrote such creative metaphors and every word fit perfectly in.

    "Glued to the wall, like the stitches each year
    wasted on love that they watch disappear..."

    I love that. I cant say its my favorite part because the whole thing was remarkable!

    "Mangle her feet so she can't walk around,
    then smile politely from under your crown."

    Perfect ending.

    I felt like i could picture the whole thing in my head. this is going on my favorites.

    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      Your writing and ability to express yourself more thoroughly is really improving. I like seeing your change into this new season of writing, its exciting, and kind of makes me wonder... whats next?
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this.It reminds me a bit of my own work actually and once again we see proof that rhyming every line really does work if done well.
    I especially like the last stanza-the rhyme and rhythm are both excellent and the vocabulary you use is fresh and exciting.I congratulate you on a fine poem that I would be proud to write myself!
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ]
      this needs to be a song. it gives me that hip, bob dylan vibe. i like it. it all around wraps around my brain. anyways, keep it up- daniel
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by DBC | [ Reply to This ]

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