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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: CFHillyard
    ASL Info:    22/M/Washington state
    Elite Ratio:    1.91 - 53/36/13
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 681
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 803



    Description:
       i wrote this after breaking up with my ex(it still hurts to even call her that)...second poem iv ever written


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Being in love to some can seem like a gift from above.
    But for me it seems to be constant misery.
    I know its my fault and that there is none to blame.
    I just dont understand how she can no longer feel the same.

    Doesnt she remember the times we laughed?
    Or all the things we shared from our pasts?
    I just wish she could forget the bad and remember the good.
    I do, but im the one who was constantly without A clue.

    I love her deeply and my love is true.
    Does it matter? Can she truely be through?
    I wish I could show her I am new.
    Lord i ask you now to teach me how to preach out loud.
    To say the things I think inside.
    To free my being and to begin seeing the pain behind my pride.




    Submitted on 2006-11-02 23:59:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the emotion in this piece, u can tell how hurt u were and still r, it's sad, but always keep ur head up. things will always get better even when they don't seem like it.
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      Let me just say, I've never seen a guy so emotional!

    While, yes, it is a bit forced, you did get your point across. It's really sad. But I like it, and I totally understand.

    -Charlese
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by Yclipse | [ Reply to This ]
      love and pain seem to go hand in hand. something so beautiful should not be so full of pain, it's not right, but its a fact.
    lovely piece, expressing deep raw feeling.
    top marks from me!
    michelle
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      no one should have to know how it is to lose the one you love....
    its heart breaking and shattering
    by now you'd think people would learn how strong those words are and that they should never be thrown around lightly...but things happen.
    anyways this is a great write and hopefully some of your questions will be answered...i wish i could answer them but sadly i know no more than you
    rachelle
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by dark lover | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm. Very nice. Yes, love is very much. Not so great most of the time. And the further in the more testy it gets.

    Nice write. I shall go read another.

    -- Jason Clement
    | Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by Jason_Clement | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate to this so much. Love seems to bring nothing but misery with few times of joy. It makes you wonder if this is truly what love is or is it something you imagine. Love is a mystery.
    Katana
    | Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sad
    HOWEVER
    You expressed your inner most feelings very well with this
    I Like where you ask The Lord to help you express yourself better to those you Love
    Believe he Heard you and will help you Move Forward in Life
    Nicely Said
    One of the most important parts of a write to me is the emotion put into it
    And you put a tremendous amount of emotion into this
    Graet Job
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sad
    HOWEVER
    You expressed your inner most feelings very well with this
    I Like where you ask The Lord to help you express yourself better to those you Love
    Believe he Heard you and will help you Move Forward in Life
    Nicely Said
    One of the most important parts of a write to me is the emotion put into it
    And you put a tremendous amount of emotion into this
    Graet Job
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very sad
    HOWEVER
    You expressed your inner most feelings very well with this
    I Like where you ask The Lord to help you express yourself better to those you Love
    Believe he Heard you and will help you Move Forward in Life
    Nicely Said
    One of the most important parts of a write to me is the emotion put into it
    And you put a tremendous amount of emotion into this
    Graet Job
    God Bless
    Ron

    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey.. this poem's theme isn't esoteric in nature at all.. But I sincerely think you do it shame in your poem... not to be harsh or what not... but you shoot out a bunch of simple ideas, half-apply rules to them - rhyming and possibly metering that I haven't checked - and expect it to be something of a poem. Personally, I think a poem needs some kind of a metaphor before it can truely be initiated to the world of poetry... Not only that, but you have so many mistakes in this piece.... *for* me it seems... *there is none* to blame - noone you meant maybe? - *its* my fault.... I could keep pointing them out but... I'm not going to bother... I seriously think this piece needs major reworking if you want it to even resemble a poem...

    I also suggest that you pay attention to the use of capitalization, and punctuation... because those two aspects on their own can add so much to the aesthetics of the piece - be it on a subconcious level or not.... And this piece lacks a lot of visual beauty. It kind of looks like on of those longer-than-two-lines-math-problem that nobody wants to read, ever.

    My two pennies' worth.

    Outlaw
    P.S: Please don't take offense... these are just opinions and personal notes.. you can ignore them entirely if you want...
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it, and I've felt like that before. I hate it.
    I feel the same as in love is not really a gift, but more as a misery, because in time no matter if things are good or bad they all end, usually right after I've already given in and accepted love. It's aweful. But I do like your poem a lot.
    Tina
    | Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by Gothic Misery | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so flippin sad! i wanna cry and eat a muffin and gain 50 pounds...... j/k i love it it is beautiful!
    | Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by boo boo | [ Reply to This ]


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