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please lord (somewhat revised)


Author: CFHillyard
ASL Info:    22/M/Washington state
Elite Ratio:    1.91 - 53 /36 /13
Words: 67
Class/Type: Poetry /Serious
Total Views: 914
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 339



Description:


not my best but meant alot to me...unfortunatly my prayors wernt heard and we had our second miscarriage


please lord (somewhat revised)



lord im down here on my knees
begging you please
keep my baby safe and strong
let its life be good and long
keep it safe inside the womb
dont allow it to become his tomb
cause in our lifes i assure you that there IS room

so lord i beg you
keep it safe inside its womb




Submitted on 2006-11-03 00:34:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this is a good poem,i like how it rymes,i could really feel what it was about,and i can feel ur pleading words.my fav. part is this:keep it safe inside the womb
dont allow it to become his tomb
i cant find much fault with it,it may be easyier to read if u set it up in stanzas.but only a suggestion.
and im very srry about ur losses.
wonderfull write

safire
| Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by girly101 | [ Reply to This ]
  thanks for the help heartless...i did most of it just was to lazy to refine it all the way lol
| Posted on 2006-11-06 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a beautiful write and the suggestion made by heartlessname would really do this piece justice, the loss of a baby is very painful and deep I can relate to these feelings. thanks for sharing this .


Ladymustang
| Posted on 2006-11-04 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ]
  This poem is a great start for a neonate/fledgling poet such as yourself. I mean, it's nothing spectacular, but at least you're getting your raw emotions down on paper, and that's the first step.

Next thing to do is to take a step back from that particular emotion, and what you've written and try and word it more poetically/mysteriously. It won't come to you right away, it takes practice.

And remember, 90% of good writing, is re-writing; which is to say, editing is the key to a great piece of literature. Some poets spend weeks trying out different words and sentences, trying to select carefully the ones that fit best, and work with their vision the best.

You don't have to ahve that much dedication at this point, or ever, but try to play with your poem, keeping the same meaning, but giving the piece more beauty. This will attract readers/comments and please them instead of them just seeing a basic emotion jotted down, and then they in turn don't take much interest in your piece.

I have a few suggestions for you, take them if you want, or don't. It's your poem, and you're the author, so ultimately it's your decision. Here's a few thoughts on structure, and wording:

"[L]ord,
[I]'m down here on my knees;
begging you please
keep my baby safe and strong,
let it's life be good and long.
Keep it safe inside the womb,
do [not] allow it to become his tomb:
because in our li[v]es I assure you
that there IS room:

So Lord I beg you,
Keep it safe inside it's womb"

The [] boxes are to showyou the thing I've changed (ie/ capitalization). The rhyme is sometihng youhave to work on, as is the generalized wording, clichéd lines and use of the same words over and over. But it's a good start. Practice some more, and your skill will improve. Thanks for being brave and sharing. I hope I've helped to some degree, take care.
| Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by heartlessname | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm sorry for your losses. I can feel your pain.
Katana
| Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]


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