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    dots Submission Name: close the ashtray.dots

    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 1020
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 477

       for the blue-green boy.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsclose the ashtray.dots

    i saw you in your car
    in the square
    so close i could have
    reached out and touched you
    and it hurt so much.

    i wanted to die in that instant
    a stab of loneliness and longing
    pierced my heart
    and we drove in opposite directions.

    it was like a cigarette burning
    until i let it slip through my fingers
    out your window
    close the ashtray
    like you're closing a coffin door.

    Submitted on 2006-11-03 12:00:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I guess this has to do with someone cheating on you, and I am sorry for that. Been there, but this was an alright poem. It was short and sweet, but I think you could do more with it. Way more. Make it have more depth and detail...which help people understand better. I understand, cuz I have been there, but I don't know if anyone else does.
    This isn't a bad poem....just needs a little work.

    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Strator | [ Reply to This ]
      Criticisms: none - like it the way it is.

    Praise: maybe the best language ive seen in any of your poems. good idea too, with the ashtray. it provides a solid image of some painful ending to some relationship. personally, i don't need the specifics - but do consider telling us the type of relationship. 'closing the coffin door' adds the right tone - an ending comparable to death.

    Overall: the best of yours i've read. i see a consistency in your poems - sadness. sometimes you throw in a sweet sadness, which i always like.

    In addition, we can tell much about the artist by their art. This is not to say that if a writer puts a child molester in his story that he wants to fornicate with children - but it gives an indication to what the writer/poet is feeling.

    And I hope this poetry is good therapy.
    | Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]

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