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her face

Author: CFHillyard
ASL Info:    22/M/Washington state
Elite Ratio:    1.91 - 53 /36 /13
Words: 71
Class/Type: Poetry /Longing
Total Views: 769
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 410


wrote this with a picture of the sexiest woman i know in front of me!

her face

her face is round and sweet
hair always perfect and neat

eyes as blue as the sky
with lips that could never lie

her hair is nearly dark as night
a wisdom in her thats always right

a glow about her brighter than the sun
a coy look thats screaming fun

this is the girl of wich i dream
the one i lost because i am mean

Submitted on 2006-11-03 16:09:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I'll be honest with you Chris, I don't think your poem is really good. But don't worry, I'm not here to bash your whole poem, I want to give you some usefull critique, because I think you got it in you to write a good poem, you just need some experience, and I hope I can help a little by giving advice. You won't learn anything of people who simply say they liked it and don't argue their case, or give any usefull feedback when that is necessary. But you shouldn't see me as though I'm a pro at this either.. But I do know I have learned a lot since the day I signed up here.. And I know you're very enthusiastic so I can at least try ;).
Ok.. First thing.. Your rhyme in this piece is very forced. Don't be afraid a poem is not good when it doesn't rhyme, for some people free verse even works much better. The worst thing is always when a writer limits himself when not necessary, most times their goal is to convey emotions, and If you don't write them down with the words you like.. then you miss an important personal touch. Maybe you should try it some time.. What I'm trying to say here, rhyme is not that important, flow and wordchoice are. Play with words, search fr puns, assonance or alliterations if you like. Those things can really improve a poem. As does imagery. (methaphores and such). In this poem you used dark as the night and bright as the sun as similes, not really bad or anything, but those are pretty clichéed. Make up your own similes and metaphors, they are much more fun, are more a challenge for you and the reader. Another thing I think is important, is proper punctuation. It's not that uch work to add proper punctuation and Capitals.., It really brings a poem to a higher level by only doing that. And to get back to your poem.. makes me wonder what you did to her, because you said you've been mean.. Anyway, good luck with getting over her, and with writing.

| Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
  If this is true, I bet you wish to take every word back. It has a twist at the end. Good poem. You show you're feelings very well.
| Posted on 2006-11-03 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]

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