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random thoughts

Author: CFHillyard
ASL Info:    22/M/Washington state
Elite Ratio:    1.91 - 53 /36 /13
Words: 1527
Class/Type: Random Thoughts /Serious
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just some random thoughts i typed out one night

random thoughts

why is it that noone cares? im alone again its nothing new. but i am weak with sin and my mind is lost im alone as an orphan but i shouldnt be. i made my life what it is. i made me who i am. i fought hard to be free of the twisted lifes that surround me but here i am conforming to that wich i hate. i am becoming the bum i swore i would never be. im on drugs and i am addicted. i fear love and pain is a comfort. i lost part of my spine and months of my life. getting stabbed gave me motivation to live but living has given me reasons to die. moms gonna call this time i know it. waiting by the phone hoping that i can stop pretending to hate. i think pretending is harder than hating itself. cant trust women. must remember that i come before all others. unless those others are to weak to make themselves thier own prioritys. then i must help. i have to find ways to help. i need to help more. i feel so useless in a world that needs SO much help. peace is gone the world is ending.i want a child b4 i die. even if i ammount to nothing as long as i do things right at least my child will have the opportunities to ammount to everything. the opportunities i wish id had. the discipline and respect i wish id learned. my dad tried so hard. he cared so much. but he was clueless. but im not. i dont have kids but i DO know what they need i remember what i needed. i was a very troubled child. i wanted to kill myself when i was very young. i was violent. i was angry and i was full of resent. im trying to reinvent myself. i cant do it alone. i need someone with me, a pillar to hold me up so i dont fall back. i need to embrace the fact that my body IS a temple and that it is my only one. god has seen my sins and he has seen my dreams. i should be dead now but im not. so i can only hope that that means my sins are outwieghed by my dreams and that someday perhaps my dreams will become more than just dreams. iv always believed in "true love" and its what i will look for as long as it takes for me to find it. iv thought iv found it a couple times now. but i cant keep it. im not good enough. and caring only makes it worse for me. cause when i care and i see something wrong i have to try to fix it or at least point it out. ppl tend to resent me for how i am. but the truth will set you free. i just want ppl to be proud of me to look up to me, respect me. but i have begun to wonder if i will ever have that. if i will ever even have a child. and if i do will he get the opportunities he needs? will he be pushed towards a better life? or is what i think what would have worked with me not right? do the things that happen at an early age affect the later years as much as i feel they have mine? or am i just seperate from everyone in yet another way? maybe this is why i am alone. cause and effect. iv caused pain and am effectivly alone. i would never hurt anyone on purpose. but it seems my words are as clumsy as my movements. and i would never do anything that could even possibly hurt someone i love. i need a future. i need stability. iv been homeless and iv been hungry. now im just scared for my sanity. and hopeless for my future. will i find the woman who will love me the way i love her? will i ever be good enough to be able to make someone who makes me happy happy in return? or am i just to greedy? do i want to much and give to little? i dont think so. but then again im always alone. and wonder if thats how its supposed to be. maybe god needs me alone. but i dont want to be alone. iv been alone for so long. i have noone but my dog. he is my most trusted friend. he has saved my life more than once now. i sometimes wonder if he is my guardian angel. if god knew that i wouldnt make it unless he sent me a soul that cares. that wants me to be happy. its hard to be mad around him. and harder to be mad at him. he is my friend. and he cares more than anyone else. he should be an example for everyone. always happy and without help. im only happy when on drugs or drunk. im never really happy. its fake. its stupid. yet i cant quit anyways. and id rather be drunk than sober and alone. i want a wife and i want a picket fence. i want a family and i want a purpose in life. right now my only purpose is finding a purpose. and everytime i think iv found someone i can help with any thing i just upset them and they refuse my help anyways. why cant anyone ever change? i try to change so much so often. but i never get it right. i wish she understood im not her enemy. that i do love her. if i didnt i wouldnt have ever tried to get past all of the things she has done to me. although its hard when its all my fault and there are always new things. help me lord, please help me i have alot of problems i know. but i pray that with the end of my problems will be my gateway to finding the solution to others problems. i need to help. i need a purpose. i am to weak to be without it any longer. i will die. i need someone to need me. i need to be looked up to to be a good example for those who see me. everyones so fake so full of shit. need to stop trusting. but i cant. cause if i cant trust i cant survive. but when i do trust its all a lie. disapearing for nights. leaving me for sex to avoid the lable of "cheater" i need to be needed more than a buzz. i need companionship that considers my companionship a priority. fuck everyone else. i dont need friends i know she loves me. wich makes it harder to trust her to. cause she told me what she did once before. it hurt me so bad im crying thinking of it. she has to have someone else. i cant be as bad as she says. if she does have someone else would she really just be able to forget about me? am i that horrible? what did i do? is it because i cared? i hope whoever it is is her soulmate. i think shes mine. but now it seems im stuck waiting to see if i find another girl who i can love. one who can love me back. and if its not her i hope that whoever she is seeing if anyone is who she is with for the rest of her life. she deserves it. im wondering if maybe she just doesnt understand that i am how i am cause i care. and cause i want to be cared about in return. but im the villan. its all my fault. maybe i only want such strict consistancy and stability cause i had none. maybe i want to much? is there any such thing as to much? isnt youth lessons to prepare for adulthood? does right or wrong have an age? or is it a state of mind, a belief? and does the way your experiances are handled (or not handled) affect the normal child as much as it did me? i just realized out of all the thoughts iv written down none are positive. am i really reduced to such resentment and self pity that i have nothing i like about myself anymore? nothing anyone likes about me? i feel crazy writing all this down. but it feels good. wierd. not sure if i should save it though. dont need anyone in my thoughts but me especially now. i want to send this to her so bad. maybe it will help her understand. but she doesnt care anymore. she is probably moved on anyways. its 3am and im tired. i should just work more on forgetting. all this is doing is helping me remember and the more i remember the more i hurt. doesnt matter if i remember the good or the bad. it all hurts. im alone. im broken. im beaten. and i dont care anymore. im scared

Submitted on 2006-11-05 12:45:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  wow im surprised anyone took the time to actually read this...thanks a ton and no...i do look to god i know hes the only reason im here iv survived to much for there to be any other explanation, thanks for the support though <3 your awsome!!!
| Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by CFHillyard | [ Reply to This ]
  I'm so sorry. All I can say is look to God, though you probably don't want to hear that right now. I know how you feel. It's how I feel right now.
| Posted on 2006-11-05 00:00:00 | by Katana Ryoko | [ Reply to This ]

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