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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The hour hand is brokendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Mithrandir
    ASL Info:    28/m/N.Y.
    Elite Ratio:    4.62 - 452/681/113
    Words: 107
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 593
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 799



    Description:
       I don't know I think I am just tryig to write all the crap in my head so once the crap is gone I will able to produce things I like again....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe hour hand is brokendots
    -------------------------------------------


    The hour hand is broken
    winding back
    the moment of your demise
    and replaying in slow motion


    [I yelled out]
    how I knew
    you'd be leaving me alone
    [my voice failed me]


    couldn't find anger
    no only peace
    a quiet surrender
    of falling dreams


    [a vow broken]
    here I stand
    hands wide open
    [ashes in the wind]


    false pretense of
    strong hands
    that never could compare
    to grand words
    of undying romance


    [I'll say goodnight]
    the hour hand is broken
    always 4:45 am
    [ a hundred times
    I wish
    I'd have said goodnight
    never ...]




    Submitted on 2006-11-06 23:08:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      false pretense of
    strong hands
    that never could compare
    to grand words
    of undying romance


    this part here...
    it reminds me of the big rock muncher dude in the neverending story...
    you know... when the nothing is coming and he is crumbling away and all he could say was something about how strong his hands used to be... how strong he was sposed to be...
    so sad...

    this whole piece is sad john.

    the idea that a stopped clock is still right twice a day wont leave me alone while im sitting here working out what to say about this piece.
    its so easy when hearts are involved and pain is too to say that it wasnt meant to be or that you read the signs wrong or something but if you think about the stopped clock thingee then... perhaps some of it was right... perhaps something good will come out of it somehow... eventually...

    the hour hand is broken...

    in my head it says the OUR hand is broken which is somehow a nice play on the whole thing though i dont know how you could incorporate that or if you would even want to really...

    goodnight and thankyou perhaps...
    this is a sad piece john...
    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not sure whether this is a poem based on true experience, but because you requested nitpicking details, I'll be brutal about the piece. My personal suggestions may linger with linguistic points, so don't assume I've misunderstood the piece. It all makes sense.

    Now, I'd put "to" in the beginning of the third line and "it" before "in" in the fourth. In the third stanza, put a semi-colon after "no" - you can't get away with absolutely no punctuation. Even if you refrain from it throughout the poem, sometimes it's necessary in the middle of lines.

    Shouldn't that be "pretence" in stanza five? May I say this was my favourite part; a very nice image there. In the very last stanza, why don't you move "never" to after "have". It just sounds better. I noticed you might be trying to rearrange the commonly known structure of phrases, which is fine, but with such a piece, just let the simplicity and emotion take over.

    If I cannot get you to add capital letters and punctuation, then I suppose my job here is done. Have a great day.

    DeepDreamer2008
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by DeepDreamer2008 | [ Reply to This ]


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