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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kiss The Raindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Maverique
    ASL Info:    25/F/Own little world
    Elite Ratio:    3.27 - 424/458/126
    Words: 74
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 222
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 538



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKiss The Raindots
    -------------------------------------------


    I kiss the rain
    (like you once kissed my tears)
    and breathe in deep
    inhaling the scent
    of storm-filled afternoons
    where we sought refuge
    in each other's love.
    Our memories taste
    like chocolate and hot coffee
    on rainy days,
    the scent of starry, moonbright nights
    where we never wept alone.
    But now my tears fall
    with only my lips
    to receive them, unkissed,
    to water the warm earth
    where you rest
    in dreamless sleep.




    Submitted on 2006-11-07 02:55:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "I kiss the rain
    (like you once kissed my tears)"


    I like your opening comparison here, which is very evocative; one, for that lost-love feeling, and second, because I've kissed the rain as such multiple times... for no other reason but because I could and I felt like it at the time. And I guess... it's both an act of freedom and a whimsical flight of exploration to me.

    I have two nitpicks for you to take or not: deleting "hot" as extraneous, as we don't tend to drink coffee cold, unless it's an iced coffee.. and then, it would make sense to say it's iced. And perhaps... separate this into three strophes, to emphasize the pauses I felt to be there? As in this being the middle strophe:

    "Our memories taste
    like chocolate and coffee
    on rainy days,
    the scent of starry, moonbright nights
    where we never wept alone."


    Make sense, or not? This is your piece obviously, but just my opinion on it, so do what you will.

    In closing, this is a bittersweet piece: both warming and lonely at the same time.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2007-03-29 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good. and i really like it. i really like your writing. i remember reading it a lot a while back and im glad i got back on to read more. your very creative with it. and it shows. good job.
    | Posted on 2007-03-21 00:00:00 | by bleedinbabygrl8 | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh. This one struck a chord. I really liked the way you used weather and tastes to help make the memories stronger. I felt like I was parting ways with my love when I read this. oh my gosh. favorite addition.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh. This one struck a chord. I really liked the way you used weather and tastes to help make the memories stronger. I felt like I was parting ways with my love when I read this. oh my gosh. favorite addition.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by fabulousAMY | [ Reply to This ]
      Thae pain of parting is well portrayed in your write. The use of seasons to relate to the mood is clleverly used in a controlled way. Nice balanced poem.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Raghavan | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, I'm really impressed how you related all of your feelings into different senses. it really created a good synapses of why your tears fall alone with nothing to stop them.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by SoftOrangeGlow | [ Reply to This ]



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