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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: When Youíre Asleep And Iím Awakedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: eliwhitneyradio
    Elite Ratio:    3.15 - 49/51/13
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 718
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 801



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhen Youíre Asleep And Iím Awakedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I spoon you so much your
    eyes could pass for Cocoa Puffs.

    Even though Iíve never seen
    an episode, your dreams are my
    favorite late night television show.
    Nominated for six dreamies this year.

    When nightmares appear at the door
    I rudely tell them, ďYouíre not on
    the list. Come back tomorrow night,Ē
    and they know tomorrow will be the same
    story and wonít bother you again.

    Sometimes I swallow your sleepy
    little breaths like Pac-man in a silent
    movie. They scuba dive down my throat,
    into my lungs, and suddenly become
    my own sleepy little breaths.

    Yeah, thatís what
    usually happens when youíre
    asleep and Iím awake.




    Submitted on 2006-11-07 14:45:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      It's sweet and quite creative. Very modern and still imaginative.
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      I dont think the last stanza meshed well with the rest of the piece, kind of sticked out like a sore thumb you know. The first few stanza's were really nice, i think you could reword the fourth stanza other than that its pretty cool.

    Shalom,
    Jay.
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
      I loved all of this except the last stanza. I don't think it's necessary, but the rest is excellent. Your metaphors are completely original, and it just all works together:)

    Great job,
    Lia
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Glassy Eyed | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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