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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Winterdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Rainmaker
    ASL Info:    23 / M / Finland
    Elite Ratio:    4.84 - 45/50/19
    Words: 46
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 674
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 349



    Description:
       Some fixes been made to this one. The rhyme is still scattered - but somehow i like it as it is now. Please share your points of view.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWinterdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Winter has come here
    Snow white as sheets
    Rabbit's marks everywhere
    Ice sharp like teeth
    Where has the summer gone
    Green lands covered
    With white snows core
    Leaves brown dropped
    Only skeletas left
    Birds song has stopped
    Fight for life and food
    Evil has conquered good




    Submitted on 2006-11-07 17:44:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I'm sucha bad critic but I did like this piece contrary to what Localfreak has mentioned. Its to the point. It didnt confuse me at all..which some ppl's work does from wording I suppose. By the end you make the reader hate winter and miss the summer. Pointing out all the bad things about winter..maybe perhaps after the last line you could say something like

    "..Evil has conquered good
    evil is misunderstood"

    You make them think at the end..

    see what I mean?

    LOLAVIE
    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by lolavie | [ Reply to This ]
      I find this piece doesn't actually go anywhere.
    Some of the descriptions are good but that is all they seem to be, there seems to be very little flow and an extremely abrubt ending.

    I would suggest elaborating on some of the better lines such as
    "Rabbit's marks everywhere"
    Maybe in the next line go on to describe the tracks, envisage a pattern amogst them or even describe what the animals were doing by the shape of their tracks.

    You have a good solid subject matter that can go a long way, let loose with a few drifting words and a few of your own opinions and this could be a great piece
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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