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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Reminiscencedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Candale-Switch
    ASL Info:    23/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    1.34 - 42/31/7
    Words: 91
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 818
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 662



    Description:
       Rough draft. looking for input.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsReminiscencedots
    -------------------------------------------


    A secret place limitless
    Its colors never seen
    Its magic so real and
    Happiness so near.

    Weightless and free
    Eternity to spare
    This soul restored as
    These eyes find you.

    Abutting eternal bliss by
    Adhering to your currents
    Does this heart reach the
    "X" on this celestial map.

    Tears of joy drip as
    Eyes share wordless love.
    Hearts exchanged; unlocking
    Passion in a kiss.

    Leaning to this ear your
    Face turns to sorrow
    Mummbling from tears
    You whisper "I'm Gone, Wake up".




    Submitted on 2006-11-07 19:44:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Overall I think this is good. I would recommend you use more in the way of imagery and descriptions throughout this poem rather than just telling how you feel and telling what is happening, try to become "one" with the poem. Add in some additional information. For instance when you speak of feelings particularly when you say "you show a hidden sorrow". What does this person do to show it? What happens? What is the hidden sorrow? That stanza leaves the reader feeling a bit disconnected as it is just making a statement rather than diving right into it. In the fourth stanza you say "reaching my existance". That left me confused. I am not really sure what that means and if you could elaborate there with detail on what your existance is that would make that stanza stronger. The final stanza is too vague. I would suggest telling the reader what the final words are. I can see you have stuck with strict formatting here of four line stanzas but I think you should break away from that and add more to them. Details and feelings will allow the reader to connect more and understand this poem better as a whole. In the sixth stanza you say "Face's lines" and I dont think that sounds right. I would change it to facial lines, but then you say that again in the final stanza so perhaps you could change it to something else or change the one in the final stanza so to avoid repetition. I do like what you have here. It is very soft and romantic. I like the celestial references too. It is nicely written, not many grammatical errors, the ones I noticed were already addressed by previous comments so I wont go into it again. I think you could add more to this to make it stronger but a very nice beginning indeed. I hope this input can be of some use to you. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      i'm unsure of the point the other commenters were making, but i like this. it has a yearning, sweet feel. i wasn't expecting the Im gone, wake up at the end. nice touch, it made me feel sad.
    great write with beautiful flow. poetry doen't have to rhyme to pull a reader in, some of the most poetic words mean more when they flow freely.
    whirl**
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      i was food but i personally like poems that rhymei mean they dont have to rhyme all the time but if they rhyme some thime it kinda lures a person in well it lures me in!! i like how your poem flows. its great
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by annie smith | [ Reply to This ]
      dam i like that
    its preaty hot
    um you words or the way you right them it funny for you poem

    like the word and in the third like it feels like it should be by its self like this
    "Its magic so real
    and
    Happiness so near"
    it infosices the second line " its magic so real" and the word and

    that is really nice though
    | Posted on 2006-11-07 00:00:00 | by Deep_slow | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok so input, i think the ending is great don't change it- its like its pulling you back from a wonderful fantasy into reality. total contrast, totally successful.
    I'm not sure of your intention but it does seem really dreamlike- beautiful imagery and then "wake up"! at the end.
    i disagree with the rhyming comments[as in most cases!]- its fine on that point.
    I think that there is more that you could add- [whether you would keep it or not doesn't matter but try it out!] it is nice what you've written- keep the structure but i think another stanza or two could work so long as there is some thought in it and its not there just to fill it up. this may not be successful but worth a shot!lots of 's' sounds in here which would need to be continued if you add more... adds a nice flow and ties everything together!
    a bit more grammar such as in the first line- a comma between 'place' and 'limitless' and similar although i suppose this depends on how you want it to be read
    i also disagree with the first comment the and is where it should be! and you dont need that extra emphasis on "it's magic so real" and the stop there would interrupt the structure you've got going.
    i cant really think of anything else its already such a nice piece whatever you add or take out though, i advice you to make sure it keeps in with what is there- structure, feel, imagery whatever- these are already successful and should not be changed but rather built upon!
    | Posted on 2006-11-11 00:00:00 | by WaysAndMeans | [ Reply to This ]


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