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    dots Submission Name: peopledots

    Author: annie smith
    ASL Info:    20/f
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 75/61/24
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 581
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 943

       hey people! this is my first writing that i have ever writen for any one!!! feed back is very much welcome and enjoyed. i'll even take flames, but please don't just humor me. if you're going to comment please be truthful!!:)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the wealthy sit and count
    their money and possesions amount
    heaving mornful sighs
    living apon lies
    their arrogance is blinding
    only wealth they are finding
    wanting more and more
    taking from the poor
    their greedy want gorws
    like the seeds a farmer sows
    all the while
    wondering with a smile
    if only i cound...
    if only it would...

    the poor work day and night
    coming home to a frightful sight
    struggeling to keep up
    clutching their only cup
    but still a smile on their face
    a flower in their only vase
    little sunlight in the room
    dust colecting on the broom
    they're down to earth, the friendliest people
    with their bibles, they go to the steaple
    with their small sighs
    they remember what love buys
    yes only I could...
    yes only IT would...

    Submitted on 2006-11-07 22:44:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Haha, screw the last comment, I actually liked how it kept rhyming, sounded good, hehehe. Hope to hear more, Shadow
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Shadow24968 | [ Reply to This ]
      honestly.. this shows being a first poem..

    you had lines that seemed included for the sole purpose to fit into your rhyme scheme, basic grammar errors that show it wasn't preread prior to posting.. just small things that hopefully you've worked out by now.

    Also the subject matter is a little, well... Dried up, and used. but you still did a good job at writing something that wasn't about personal grief. .which is always a plus in my opinion. it did also stay fairly honest to what reality is. so good job.
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by Pprophet | [ Reply to This ]
      okay, let me just say i really respect someone who admits something was a start for them and continues to improve so kudos for being real with people. nice statement, it's been said before (like most things, in truth) and i agree with you, money....material possesions don't make happiness- what's so great about coming back at the end of the day to mansion you can't even rightfully call home? Not to mention when you have so much you tend to take more things for granted, whereas a less fortunate person recognizes what it took to get where they are at..to have what they do. And being grateful makes what you do have all that much better. there were a few spelling errors 'apon', 'growing' etc. but i think that's just typos, easy to fix and don't worry i understand about not feeling like going back and fixing that right away, i'm exactly the same. the rhyme was stronger in some parts than others but overall this was nicely said, espcecially for a first write.
    can't wait to read more,
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      A great philosophical statement. Money does not buy happiness!
    Apart from spelling errors and the occasional shake in rhythm, this is a fine first piece.
    Keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]

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