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    dots Submission Name: A broken castdots

    Author: CFHillyard
    ASL Info:    22/M/Washington state
    Elite Ratio:    1.91 - 53/36/13
    Words: 144
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 778
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 792

       was just doing some reflecting and wrote this out while doing so

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA broken castdots

    I'm losing my mind
    slowly one thought at a time
    can i stop it is there hope?
    shall i survive to see the day i learn to cope?
    or will i die alone and cold
    still dreaming of the warmth that her body does hold.

    my thoughts are bad nothing is good
    hope for myself? HA i wish i could
    hindsight is 20/20 and now i see
    maybe it wasnt all about money
    perhaps it was me to blame
    always allowing myself to go insane

    but now that iv looked back through the past
    i can see our lives were a broken cast
    but i can see the fix today
    i can mend it all and i can end this disarray
    so just give me a chance and let me try
    and i give you my word never again shall we cry!

    Submitted on 2006-11-08 13:35:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This poem is filled with passion, remorse, regret for actions not taken and the will to make all things wrong right again. (speculation) It is a very sad thing but in the end you muster that raw human strength of spirit. I've experienced it. I let my life stay burried beneath a lot of painful things. For the majority of my life too. But then, just like in this poem, somehow, I made the decision to change them. Thanks for posting this one Chris. I connected with it. Later!
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by Dlawsonia | [ Reply to This ]
      okies hun im known to take poems apart lets see how i can help you.

    Evil nikki! *laughs* yesh im weird.

    "I'm losing my mind","
    slowly one thought at a time"."
    "C"an "I" stop it"," is there hope?
    "S"hall "I" survive to see the day "I" learn to cope?
    "O"r "shall i" die alone and cold","
    still dreaming of the warmth that her body"lovenly" hold."

    okies we need puncuation in heres ill fix it up using " " so you can see my changes. then ill give you feedback as to what i think. okies as you see my changes you will notice how i use more descriptive words. What you need to do since this is your intro to the poem is catch my interest as your reader so add imagry.
    i do live this line and the ryhtorical questions (sorry cant spell to save my life) are a great use in this poem. moving on.

    "M"y thoughts are "horendous" nothing is right,
    "how can i"hope for myself? "I" wish "my"
    hindsight is 20/20 "so" now "I" see
    maybe it wasn't all about money","
    perhaps it was "I who was" to blame"."
    "A"lways allowing myself to go "slowly" insane"

    okeis that took a while but as to feedback....
    this is a bit cliqued but other than that i really like it you only lack on the imagry well not to much its just not really that strong.
    This is actually a very interesting peice to me. lets see what else you have up your sleeve oh and you might want to check my spelling for the things i added into your text again NOT the best speller.

    "B"ut now that "I've" looked back through "this" past","
    "I" can see our lives were a broken cast","
    but i can see the "improvments to this day."
    "I" can mend it all and i can end this disarray","
    so just give me a chance and let me try
    and I"give you my word never again shall we cry!"

    okies before i actually get into fixing this last stanza up im going to give feedback so it doesnt all run out of my head when im done polishing it up for ya. Okies also your thoughts are a bit jumbled you might want to fix that up a bit and stay on one part not the other emotions if you bring them in find a way to fit the emotions you already have placed in before.

    okeis as to what i think. I see a lot of improvement but also a lot of potential i dont see any Dr Sues work here i see an artist. Someone who feel and can find a way to express ones self on paper or a cold screan.
    these thoughts have run though my head and hell they still do but i love the form of writting you used to break it up and show us your beautiful written words. Just remember letters arnt permanet you can change play and manipulate them to form what ever you wish them to make you can create and empire and topple a church you can cause the water to form out of nothing but what is in your imagination. To cause fire to burn through hell to heaven with a few chosen words. Never doubt this "power" you have as a writter. You can do amazing and horrible things with the typeing of finger tips the graceful movment of fingertips over a pen or pencil. So to you i bow in acknolledgement to a new writter. Welcome to ES hun.

    all the love

    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a good write that I take as almost an apologetic write to your Soulmate for hurting them in some way
    I Like this
    I would love to see this write written with a little less emphasis on the rhyme scheme though as I feel a write with little or no rhymes carries a lot more emotion
    I stress that is only an opinion and I would never tell someone how to write
    Again Nice Job
    Look forward to reading more new writes from you CF
    God Bless
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      i like the light rhym against the true underlying metaphore. guilt is such an ugly feeling. well done
    | Posted on 2006-11-08 00:00:00 | by in shadow | [ Reply to This ]

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