Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Tempest...caress...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Twisted
    Elite Ratio:    7.47 - 159/57/75
    Words: 208
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 1413
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1208



    Description:
        I don't wanna talk about it.

    Oh, I thank all that who recently commented on my works including dismentled, nansofast, and Katana Ryoko.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsTempest...caress...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    —Quiet tranquility as the storm passed; releasing physical manacles of the past threads, a new one to be spun—
    touch upon an innocence, a drop of seduction upon the way,
    blood, soft, red, hot, like her-his body,
    travel and explore the wide, and untasted regions with a caress, hand, or tongue,
    to roll, and run little beads of sweat upon golden skin,
    in moving darkness,
    upon sheets made of grains of lust, soft and grating, that strokes against the skin.

    To unbind my hair, and let the breeze have its way, let nature have its course with me, and take as much as it dares
    —Before I let another have me—
    failing to comprehend that we take, to give, to taste and refine the uncouth.
    Naivety of my youth,
    Intoxicate, with the wine of sensuality—of a new day; knowing I wanted to commit a sin—
    I shed my clothing and offer myself willingly; is this not a wonderful sacrifice, to rise with the dawn, and sleep with the moon,
    —To fade back into the sea to rise when the moon and the sun make love—
    I swirl around, relishing my freedom.











    Submitted on 2006-11-09 20:00:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is masterfully poetic... and well... I think I'm too young to say anything else, and besides I think everyone's said everything already. The metaphors etc are very strong and demonstrate passion. All in all an inspiring piece.
    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by Lulu La Feyne | [ Reply to This ]
      definatley comment worthy, i'm fanning myself. wow....no more words are coming, don't need them.
    | Posted on 2006-12-05 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      Whoa that gave me alot of thought I really like it, ty
    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]
      Very good Vocabulary Twisted, happy I found you in the chat room.. thing,
    I am not sure what it's about, I have an Idea....but Hmm...., it seems it's about being young and innocence..and doing something, I'm not sure what the something is...but it's something.

    ...tell me about this peom, i'm curious.
    | Posted on 2006-11-27 00:00:00 | by rAbit | [ Reply to This ]
      twisted~thats fantastic~completely agree with lilgal~favin it~take care Des
    | Posted on 2006-11-22 00:00:00 | by DesecratedDream | [ Reply to This ]
      this is beautiful, i want to run around naked and enjoy nature. wow I'm so impressed and i agree w Deathtone the last lines r a perfect way to end this write. i'm favin u.
    | Posted on 2006-11-20 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]
      "—To fade back into the sea to rise when the moon and the sun make love—
    I swirl around, relishing my freedom. "

    you seem to end things so perfectly, that it make any type of constructive critisism on my part extreamly difficult. your refrence to the moon and the sun making love was a brilliant notion of love between two sides of the field. this story tells me that there is passion in the writer and love deep within. This shows me how love can be and what love is in your eyes.

    "To unbind my hair, and let the breeze have its way, let nature have its course with me, and take as much as it dares"

    this truly is my favorite line in this poem, because it shows the freedom that the poet wants and is feeling, lust or love, friend or foe, i enjoyed every word. but thats just my oppion, take it for what its worth to you.


    --Death--
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by DeathTone | [ Reply to This ]
      i
    reallylikeit
    thegrainsoflust
    andmanaclesofpast
    threadsarethebestparts
    | Posted on 2006-11-19 00:00:00 | by DEATHISMYMUSE | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey I like it preatty cool now you inspired me to write
    | Posted on 2006-11-18 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]
      hah, this is pretty cool.
    some of the vocabulary that built up the picture and imagery was perfect.
    i love the format and texture to it.
    some things i dont really care for and some puts me in awe.
    good job.

    <bleedingtears>
    | Posted on 2006-11-15 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow!
    I got a lot of emotion coming from this.
    A lot of longing yet despair.
    As if the freedom was in giving up on all that had hurt in the past to be loved by what is true and natural and cannot be wrong.
    That's my opinion of it anyway.

    I felt a few of the words took away slightly from the reading though, the "the"s and "that"s they just seem a little harsh on the tongue whereas all the T sounds were tantalosing and the softness of the rest were painful yet seductive.

    Also I personaly think the word hand after caress needn't be there. I believe that
    "travel and explore the wide, and untasted regions with a caress... or tongue" sounds a little smoother

    A wonderful write though.
    Thank you for sharing it.
    | Posted on 2006-11-09 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      okeis honey,

    lets see what i can do for you shall we?
    now i usually break this into parts so lets start there.

    "—Quiet tranquility as the storm passed; releasing physical manacles of the past threads, a new one to be spun—
    touch upon an innocence, a drop of seduction upon the way,
    blood, soft, red, hot, like her-his body, "

    okies i actually like this but you are cluttering your poem up to much with the commas. it gives little awkward breaks into it that makes me stumble over it lol i was ganna say stubble seirously i need SPELL CHECK! anyway! hehe

    sugestions:

    "blood..soft red..hot...like the fire in their body"
    "soft red blood, hot liquide like that of their body"

    a few things of to think on but i hope you see the direction im trying to move you in. other than that the imagry is wounderful and sensual. i love it the feelings it instills in you is wounderful nice job honey.

    "travel and explore the wide, and untasted regions with a caress, hand, or tongue,
    to roll, and run little beads of sweat upon golden skin,
    in moving darkness,
    upon sheets made of grains of lust, soft and grating, that strokes against the skin."

    mmmmm nummy hehe i love this but again hon you need to get rid of those pesky commas. yes a few is nice way to many...can lead to annoyence.

    "travel and explore the wide and untasted (virgin) regions with a caress of the hand or tounge,
    they roll and run these little beads of swear upon golden taunt skin in moving(spreading) darkness.
    Upon the sheets lay grains of lust, soft and grating it strokes against the (her his ) shink."

    i made a few improvements hope you dont mind the changing. okeis thats my thoughts again the imagry is brilliant lets say thats not your weakness its your strong point actually which i am proud and honored to point out.

    "To unbind my hair, and let the breeze have its way, let nature have its course with me, and take as much as it dares
    —Before I let another have me—
    failing to comprehend that we take, to give, to taste and refine the uncouth.
    Naivety of my youth,
    Intoxicate, with the wine of sensuality—of a new day; knowing I wanted to commit a sin—"

    i like how you but an emphasis on the nature of this. not the sin (you did in the end but i think it corresponds well) i dont fully understand the - parts but im assuming that is thought? you might want to make it more descriptitve there is so much emotion you can enhance into this and you only put a few that is needed. go beyond nescity hun and go beyond the bounds of normal writing.

    also a sidenote i noticed that you use I and then in the first you didnt involve yourself but now in the last few stanzas you placed yourself in. if you wish to be the main person start at the begining dont insurt yourself later in okies?


    "I shed my clothing and offer myself willingly; is this not a wonderful sacrifice, to rise with the dawn, and sleep with the moon,
    —To fade back into the sea to rise when the moon and the sun make love—
    I swirl around, relishing my freedom."

    hmm "to sleep with the moon, and rise with the dawn." that sounds a bit better. unless you have insomina..then im just being retarted because you dont sleep with insomia. now this i love but the ending ended...not as strongly as you began. keep this i love it but try for more words okies honey.
    i love this very much thank you for asking me to comment.

    all the love
    nikki

    *kisses*


    | Posted on 2006-12-07 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    124439

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry