This was good but /Ide have to hear the music u want it to. I think it be metal. Mine could be but if u read mine obver u can feel a flow when u read them. So my suggestion is imagine a beat or get an instamentell n write to it. That one u comented on is one of my small ones but it was explaining this http://www.eliteskills.com/z/83939
N go read a newer one family n friends. but I like how u rhyme so I'll keep in touch.
There is fire - like passion on this piece. It's also alluring the use of some archaic language. Though I thought at one point that much was being sacrificed in favour of the rhyme scheme.... sometimes you can express your feeling or write a poem without necessarily rely on a particular rhyme pattern. I would suggest revising some grammar mistakes and some typos that kind of hinder understanding. Also, try to add some punctuation so the reader can clearly notice the pauses that the author intended ... I consider that that it very salient when it comes to poetry.