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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Whats Left Behind That Smile Of Yoursdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: -=Bass=-
    ASL Info:    16/male/Denmark
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 57/34/32
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Poetry/Angry
    Total Views: 554
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1298



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhats Left Behind That Smile Of Yoursdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I see thy satic smile
    Whats behind the commen lie
    There's no morning after
    Thy Sadistic sound of disaster

    I saw the little that is Good
    As thy vague smile left a numb world unhooked
    Steadily hasting towards immortality
    Did depravity unsencore thy relentless reality

    Whispering power by Demogorgon
    Given as poison to shrink thy loveone
    Thy bitterness thruth as given constance
    As only insanity believe thy commen nonsense

    An organ filled with silence
    As neon colored night sence thy violence
    Thy hurtfull words kept as own weakness
    Awakened a brutal sickness

    Innocent children lay upon thy bloody blanket
    Covered by thorns filled with deaths banket
    As thy soul weaken a shattered heart
    Nine lost fouls lays beneath thy dreary part

    A pale innocence strays upon thy lipstick smile
    A statue had such eyes as thy pathetic pile
    A weak drama queen who speak without meaning
    A numb lust who sleep without feeling

    As none torment killed thy path
    No lost sence of trail spelled a betrayed laugh
    Forsaken are thy drained roars
    Whats left behind that smile of yours




    Submitted on 2006-11-10 15:13:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was good but /Ide have to hear the music u want it to. I think it be metal. Mine could be but if u read mine obver u can feel a flow when u read them. So my suggestion is imagine a beat or get an instamentell n write to it. That one u comented on is one of my small ones but it was explaining this http://www.eliteskills.com/z/83939

    N go read a newer one family n friends. but I like how u rhyme so I'll keep in touch.
    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by DrewDilla | [ Reply to This ]
      
    There is fire - like passion on this piece. It's also alluring the use of some archaic language. Though I thought at one point that much was being sacrificed in favour of the rhyme scheme.... sometimes you can express your feeling or write a poem without necessarily rely on a particular rhyme pattern. I would suggest revising some grammar mistakes and some typos that kind of hinder understanding. Also, try to add some punctuation so the reader can clearly notice the pauses that the author intended ... I consider that that it very salient when it comes to poetry.



    Good luck,



    Wishing you well,

    Ethan


    | Posted on 2006-11-11 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very good alot of grammatical errors but still very good. I like the use of the word thy, it's has alot of emotion. very good.
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by Lil gal | [ Reply to This ]


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