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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bryandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie smith
    ASL Info:    20/f
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 75/61/24
    Words: 33
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 812
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 208



    Description:
       LOVE i dont know how this really is but i tried


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbryandots
    -------------------------------------------


    my heart is beating
    like a a drum, repeating
    love in my eyes
    a lovely surprise
    my uneven breathing
    all though is leaving
    when i look at you
    no one else will do




    Submitted on 2006-11-10 21:07:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Haha, short and sweet, lovely. You should use this on valentines day or something, you'd truly get in there, haha. Shadow
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Shadow24968 | [ Reply to This ]
      awww that's so sweet trust me, i know the feeling and you said it just as well as the next person could have; it's hard to put into words anyway huh? i had to look at this b/c i'm insanely in love with a brian right now....though i do like the 'y' spelling a hell of a lot better. For one thing, let me say the length would usually annoy me, because a lot of the time shorter poems leave too much unsaid; but that wasn't really the case here, you were short and to the point but you still made your point clear enough. there are one or two things that could be fixed up though,
    "a lovely surprise"
    that just kind of stood out a little too much and seemed a bit foreign when read with the words around it. and believe me, ALL of my poems used to be sufferingly insistant on the rhyming..but maybe try writing some free verse? (unless of course you already have, in which case i apologize because that is a bit presumtious of me considering this is the first write of yours that i've read.)

    also your ending seemed a little lacking...like it needed to be a bit more climatic, i understand what you're trying to say and i understand completely how that feels but- what if someone hadn't felt that yet? the ending wouldn't resonate as much with them. good write, it was good as is but i think you could have made it great. you have a lot of potential though as long as you keep writing, i'll keep reading.
    ~jess~
    p.s. do you have a yahoo/MSN/aim? (i'm almost always on all 3 @ once)
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it very much, sorry just saw your private message now,. Hehe typical me, anyway,,

    I liked how the reader could feel what u felt, in the very first line, "My heart is beating" very well thought opening line, to a love poem, and I liked how you manipulated the reader, first in like the school girls crush, it was a moving piece, very emotional and in depth going, for as short as it was,

    "love in my eyes
    a lovely surprise"

    I loved these lines, very original, very intended love words, which you can feel when reading it,

    well I think its sad, you didn't give it a title, all poems should have a title.

    I liked how u used the word love so powerful, yet so fragile, when it descibed as a surprise, very lovely images,.

    "my uneven breathing
    all though is leaving"

    Very clear message, like you were nervous at first, but then got a hold to yourself, very intriguing and well expressed,

    Well I would like to see, if you might work on this a bit more, make it a little longer, cause it most certainly has potential.

    "when i look at you
    no one else will do"

    Great rounded off, u could really feel the love in the last words, a very satisfying read,.

    keep it up..

    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by -=Bass=- | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay. Its a good description of how you feel when you encounter this person. You are communicating well. I would omit two lines well not omit but change them: A lovely suprise. This line doesn't flow well doesn't make sense to the theme. Just stands out. Then No one else will do??? isn't a strong enough finish i think. A for effort. I hope you continue to work on it though.
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by chelseagirl077 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh I love it love you made me happy
    take my sweet kiss make it something to miss
    | Posted on 2006-11-17 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]


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