Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: bryandots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: annie smith
    ASL Info:    20/f
    Elite Ratio:    5.26 - 75/61/24
    Words: 33
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 776
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 208



    Description:
       LOVE i dont know how this really is but i tried


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsbryandots
    -------------------------------------------


    my heart is beating
    like a a drum, repeating
    love in my eyes
    a lovely surprise
    my uneven breathing
    all though is leaving
    when i look at you
    no one else will do




    Submitted on 2006-11-10 21:07:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Haha, short and sweet, lovely. You should use this on valentines day or something, you'd truly get in there, haha. Shadow
    | Posted on 2007-10-28 00:00:00 | by Shadow24968 | [ Reply to This ]
      awww that's so sweet trust me, i know the feeling and you said it just as well as the next person could have; it's hard to put into words anyway huh? i had to look at this b/c i'm insanely in love with a brian right now....though i do like the 'y' spelling a hell of a lot better. For one thing, let me say the length would usually annoy me, because a lot of the time shorter poems leave too much unsaid; but that wasn't really the case here, you were short and to the point but you still made your point clear enough. there are one or two things that could be fixed up though,
    "a lovely surprise"
    that just kind of stood out a little too much and seemed a bit foreign when read with the words around it. and believe me, ALL of my poems used to be sufferingly insistant on the rhyming..but maybe try writing some free verse? (unless of course you already have, in which case i apologize because that is a bit presumtious of me considering this is the first write of yours that i've read.)

    also your ending seemed a little lacking...like it needed to be a bit more climatic, i understand what you're trying to say and i understand completely how that feels but- what if someone hadn't felt that yet? the ending wouldn't resonate as much with them. good write, it was good as is but i think you could have made it great. you have a lot of potential though as long as you keep writing, i'll keep reading.
    ~jess~
    p.s. do you have a yahoo/MSN/aim? (i'm almost always on all 3 @ once)
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked it very much, sorry just saw your private message now,. Hehe typical me, anyway,,

    I liked how the reader could feel what u felt, in the very first line, "My heart is beating" very well thought opening line, to a love poem, and I liked how you manipulated the reader, first in like the school girls crush, it was a moving piece, very emotional and in depth going, for as short as it was,

    "love in my eyes
    a lovely surprise"

    I loved these lines, very original, very intended love words, which you can feel when reading it,

    well I think its sad, you didn't give it a title, all poems should have a title.

    I liked how u used the word love so powerful, yet so fragile, when it descibed as a surprise, very lovely images,.

    "my uneven breathing
    all though is leaving"

    Very clear message, like you were nervous at first, but then got a hold to yourself, very intriguing and well expressed,

    Well I would like to see, if you might work on this a bit more, make it a little longer, cause it most certainly has potential.

    "when i look at you
    no one else will do"

    Great rounded off, u could really feel the love in the last words, a very satisfying read,.

    keep it up..

    | Posted on 2006-12-10 00:00:00 | by -=Bass=- | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay. Its a good description of how you feel when you encounter this person. You are communicating well. I would omit two lines well not omit but change them: A lovely suprise. This line doesn't flow well doesn't make sense to the theme. Just stands out. Then No one else will do??? isn't a strong enough finish i think. A for effort. I hope you continue to work on it though.
    | Posted on 2006-11-10 00:00:00 | by chelseagirl077 | [ Reply to This ]
      oh I love it love you made me happy
    take my sweet kiss make it something to miss
    | Posted on 2006-11-17 00:00:00 | by ty | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    124567

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    a leaf of shadow and edge written by Daniel Barlow
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry