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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Herpetologydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 828
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 647



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHerpetologydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Herpetology

    Coiled within oblivion
    I savor sips
    so sweetly hissed
    invasion
    from parted lips
    the tip
    of venom's dagger
    does paralyze
    my heart
    the scales before my eyes
    are gleaming from the constricted squeeze
    of bliss
    sinuous slide of friction
    and the delicate rasp
    of teeth
    I
    sink into
    unconscious moans
    Sin distilled in a
    gasp
    Collapsed to puddle
    in a cuddled
    groan
    bathed and clasped
    in serpent's
    fatal
    grasp





    Submitted on 2006-11-10 21:57:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like this! Very evocative and effective. The contrast between the usually assumed frightening and dangerous status of the serpent and the desirability and pleasantness of love, used to mix them into each other and bring out what is fascinating, captivating, paralyzing in love. (or I guess it could be pleasure in general rather than just love).
    One or two details. Most of the rhythm works well for me, it's mostly tetrameter and pentameter, spread over several lines. The places where I trip are:

    invasion from parted lips

    dagger does paralyze (I'm really not sure why you want the "does" it doesn't seem to help at all).

    Best,
    PH
    | Posted on 2006-11-12 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]


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