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    dots Submission Name: little black box.dots

    Author: narcolepsy
    ASL Info:    19/F/Pa
    Elite Ratio:    3.97 - 129/135/60
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Trapped
    Total Views: 1000
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 782


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslittle black box.dots

    i'm chained to this house
    this prison this house this prison
    i can't see the difference
    i sleep the time away
    it's not life anymore it's just time
    time to think
    time to hurt
    time to heal
    time to change
    and i know it'll all be over
    before i know it
    but for now i stare at the
    little black box
    chained to my ankle
    and even when i'm naked
    it's still there
    a reminder that i have no freedom
    a reminder that i now belong to someone else
    they've proved that they can
    keep me here
    keep me in
    no matter what
    and as i lift my foot
    it gets heavier everyday
    and i resist a little less.

    Submitted on 2006-11-11 09:50:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      little black box refers to an ankle monitor. i was on probation. and i think its sad that you think all girls handle their misery by becoming promiscuous. that's [censored]ed up. period.
    | Posted on 2009-12-28 00:00:00 | by narcolepsy | [ Reply to This ]
      This was definately worth reading. I am glad that you recommended it. Okay, overall I thought you not only worded this well, but also kept it systematic... but in some areas I found glitches in the rhythm like:

    i sleep the time away

    Not only did this line not read right, but also it wasn't as original as the rest of the poem
    On to the format now; I am not the biggest fan, but no criticism and/or suggestions either.

    I could go on to praise this, but I won't. I just want to add that the imagery you created to explain your basics was wonderful, and the title was cool.

    This could use some brushing up in punctuation, but not everyone finds that necessary

    - Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-11-13 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this piece, nice wording..
    | Posted on 2006-11-11 00:00:00 | by -=Bass=- | [ Reply to This ]
      Criticisms: Absolutely none.
    Praises: Far and away, the best of yours I've ever read. I felt this way to growing up - for whatever reason, you wish to leave your home. other writers would want to know why you wanted to leave so badly but i think it doesn't matter in this case. if this is indeed based on true feelings of your current situation then do be careful. what i mean is, girls, out of pain and misery do things they normally wouldn't do - become promiscous and then become pregnant - and hence never really leave the setting in which they despise. been there.

    the piece is honest and REAL. do a follow up when you (or this character) has left this place - in triumph!

    Art Lives!
    | Posted on 2006-11-11 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]

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