Saturday, 9:40 PM
It was dark-time now and we were sitzing at the local hash joint, the air sticky as my soles on the linoleum. We being Machas Alpha, Ferenz, Machas Beta, and myself, Lubius Shine. The roumadol was starting to kick in and I was as loose as swine at the trough. The gravsnatch was strumming right right on the deck top and the boys were lazily passing croquets and bergamot in time with the tinny sound. My mind was on higher things.
A pair of bendy-legged trollops was quick approaching and the fine twine hairs on my bumberstick were at peak attention. They had eyes wide as dead does and my tips were itching to muss the crinkle-pleats of their shorts. You could say I was ovating but that would be an understatement.
“I say, good evening my little thin-lipped minxes.” And I was on them like blood on a virgin. “What say we adjourn to a louder room and stop all this jib-jab? I’ve laser discs that will make those spindly legs shudder. This gravsnatch is last week’s has-been. Such spare creatures as you deserve a treat from this mundane clap-trap. Why I can see the show already, my dears! You two, me, one-on-one and then all three, two-on-one, one-on-me, me-on-you, and then she-on-me. Of course then we’ll have some you-on-you and me-on-me or perhaps you’ve a friend for two-on-two and one-on-three?”
With my hands on hips I was guiding them towards the doorway before the bits could stutter. A quick turn over the shoulder showed the boys with key-hole mouths and I felt I should say something to lessen it. “Oh chaps, there’s a stash of rubles in my jacket pocket. Pay out for another round.” And with one more back-look, “Never know, the gravsnatch might be willing.”
Sunday, 1:09 AM
I am naked and covered in fluids, smoking a tube on the floor of the men’s toilet. My knotty companions are still cumshucking in the stall behind me. I’m done with that stage of the night, my skin shellacked to the tile with sweat and grime. Perhaps the boys had the right trend tonight.
I spit to the side and roll another, slowly stroking my bumberstick at a tilt more to its liking. It’s been hours since I locked us here. The mumbly pounding finally stopped and all I hear now is giggles and squishes and the occasional high-pitched whine. It was one of those that finally set my sinew splattering, hodge-podge like through chest hair as matted as sheared sheep.
Ah, to be muzzled and sticky on a bathroom floor. Sends my heart just aflutter.
Sunday, 4:22 PM
“Luby! Luby! Wait darling, it’s me! It’s Carolyn!” I am steadfastly ignoring her, thumping my crookshank hard-hard-soft against my thigh. “Your little cheese puff, your sweet dumpling!” I am not listening. I’m not, I’m not, I’m—
“Carolyn! Sweet shanty girl. Why, mine ears deceive? Look at you! The enigma of plushness, the light of my loins!” My heels click and I’m hovering inches from her face. “Is that new cover-up? A tad dark, don’t you think? Oh, never mind, never mind. Look at that dress! You are the picture of my raging desire!” Her silk is suddenly in my lap, gums flapping in surprise-shock-glee-disgust. I’m picturing my trip as a boy to the county coroner to stay hard.
“Cara, Cara. Why are we talking, love? You should be saving your voice, little songbird, hmm? Good good, now what in the world are you playing, naughty girl? I told you I was cardidly swamped tonight.” My lips might be spitting out slick turns but my eyes are bright pure, I swear it.
“But, no no. You… you said to come and meet you and—” My finger is to her lips in half a blade-flick.
“Shh shh. What I said was I wish you could come see me today but I’m far too busy with the current state of things. I must not waste another second, lovely. I’m due for a meeting straight off. Do say hi to your sister.”
And my cape is a-swishing down the corridor, my back turned to her welling eyes.
Sunday, 7:37 PM
“Oi, Lubius. What you suppose you thinking last dark-time, huh? Leavin’ us for two tap-twitch bumberdips? S’pose you thinking yourself quite chum-chimy, hmm? Clever-like leavin’ that swot about the rubles. I’ve a right mind to thump you, mate.” Mach B seemed touchy-temy tonight. This could be a right right time.
“Oho, Machby my boy. You’d’ve done the same in my spot. Those dippy-dems were begging ole Lubius Shine for it. Come off it, Mach. Every blimey bloke needs his fun now and again. Not my fault you’ve not been had with since Loopy Linda.” And the blow lands square to the jaw.
“You leave my Linda out, Lubius Shine! She never done nothing not meant well. And don’t be calling names you don’t right no nothing of. She’s sensitive, not loopy.”
“Sensitive? Sensitive? She’s damn near out of her spindly mind! She’s tried to kill you more than one dark-time, Mach. The grim-grabbly not never been right in her skull. Don’t look at me with those slanty lids, Machby. You know I’m not never siding with Luby, I’m just—”
“Oi! Where do you come off Ferenz! I’ve not never--”
“Stuff it, Lub. You know straight well you’re rarely in the green with us. Don’t think you can just run us over higgledty-piggledty. I’m just looking out for you, Mach.” Ferenz popped a tab with his teeth and began mixing a tube.
Sunday, 8:01 PM
“You did not, Lub. Not never.” Mach A was always the disbeliever. He drew a hit and passed to Machby.
“Straight on, Machay. I’m out of the stall rolling one and I hear them in there, going at it like grubberbats. Just a-wailing and scratching and all. So I’m going ‘You’d not be starting up without me, would you loves?’ And they’re giggling and going at it and I’m just takin’ a breather, straight? Just resting the ole bumberstick a bit. And—”
“I’ll wager that Lub. Can you still get it up at all?” Snickers round the table.
“Wouldn’t you like to see, eh Ferenz? You going squirrelly on us, mate? That why things went topsy with that tap-twitch broad? Wanted her brother?” Louder snickers.
“So what if I did?”
Silence. You could here a fly-bys breath.
“What’re you on, Ferz? What you saying?” Machay’s eyes were hard, Mach B was confused as usual and I was stand-stock quiet.
“What if I’m like that? Why can’t I cumshuck with who I want? That’s right Machby I’m blue. I’m a tippity-tare. I’ve done it with Stella’s brother. So what if I liked it? Huh?”
More silence. Someone needs to step here.
“Ferenz, I… What I mean to say… you…you what!?” Ferenz a tippity-tare. What is life coming to?
“Ferz, say it’s not true. You can’t have… with him?”
“What, you jealous-like Machby? You want me?” And he blew a kiss.
“Not never likely! I’m not never sick like that, Ferenz. That’s just… that’s. How dare you suppose I’m like that! Not never, not no way! You sick—”
And Ferenz is laughing. Choking on a hit off a fresh rolled tube. Machby is livid.
“What in tumbleshook you spittin’ ‘bout, Ferenz?” Machby so mad he’s twitching.
“You—you.” He’s overtook with laughter again and Machby’s getting ready to strike. Machay’s up and holding him back but it’s anytime now…
“Mach, Mach wait!” More hysterical laughter. I’m up and holding Machby’s other arm now.
“I was just having a lark, mate. I can’t believe you all fell for it!”
Machby goes limp and we all three stare at Ferenz.
“I mean, me? A tippity-tare? I score more bumberdips than Lubius!”
“Oi! Not never no way!” The nerve.
“So you’re not… blue?” Machay disbelieving again.
“Haha, you all should have seen the looks on your faces!” Ferenz breaking into fits of laughter once more.
“Oh you little—”
“I’ve half a mind to—”
“Where do you get off—”
We all lunge at Ferenz at once, knocking tabs and tube wrappers onto the floor. The harswipe—stealing my thunder again. I’ll kill him.