lost and confused. Not knowing what the hell to do. I sit here in the next room; as i hear my mother cry like a child. I can feel her tears, but i can't feel her pain. As she cries over that lost son.
I would walk to her room and comfort her; but that wouldn't be enough. Shame enters me and stays with in me. I become numb; wanting to make her smile. I can see her laying down on her bed. But i'm not strong enough to sit beside her.
And i remember once i had wiped away her tears; just the same way she wiped mine away. I remember trying to ask her why she cried. Back then; i didn't know the answer to the reasons of why she cried. But today. at this moment. I do.
Mothers tears cries over that lost son. The one that lied and betrayed his own family. The one that stole money just to buy his death tickets. and he did come back a few times. Promising my mother that he'll try to change. Mother believed, and that hurt her the most.
That lost son that put his own family in danger. Betrayed the only girl that promised him her life. and when you see him. He will smile for all the fuckin bullshit he has put my mother through. He will promise another lie. He'll tell her that he isn't addicted
But he cares so much more for that crystal and meth that he doesn't give a damn care about his family. He hasn't heard her cry like the way she is crying today. He will see her face full of tears, and still fuckin ask why she is crying.
but he left again.
gone for more than a week. Came back only once. Bringing his drugdiller friends, Putting his own family in danger. Having a weapon behind his back. Leaving again.
So i'll askmyself. How can you hurt your own family. The family that has given you more than 10 fuckin chances The family that gives you free food to eat and a king size bed to sleep on. The family that loves you. The family that tried to help you so many times.
How can you leave a home like this for an apt. that has no bed. For a place that smells nothing like shit, and not even a table in the kitchen. Just needles; pills; plants laying all around.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU DO THIS!!!!
Will you ever see her cry. The way she cried for you tonight?
Will you? Tell me how it feels.. for it damn hurts me. For i cried a tear for her. Not you.. but her.... Your the lost son. But you wont be my lost brother. For you have betrayed the ones that i have conditional love for.
So when you die. Please let it be painful. Let those black lungs show and those bones pop out of your skin. Let the blood come out of your mouth and choke you. Let it hurt you, Just the same you you hurt Mother.