Fasten Your Seatbelts Kiddies... by Glassy Eyed

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Submission Name: Fasten Your Seatbelts Kiddies... dots

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Author:	Glassy Eyed
ASL Info:	17/f
Elite Ratio:	3.8 - 550/427/187
Words:	132

Class/Type:	Poetry/Political
Total Views:	331
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	946

Description:

Fasten Your Seatbelts Kiddies... dots

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Fasten your seatbelts kiddies,
Your in for the ride of your life.
Not for the eyes of the elderly at heart,
We're gonna apply a little pressure now.

'The optimistic will not survive!'
The cynics cry out in hate,
'The predominate pessimists,
Will accumalate!'

Their savage system of supply and demand,
Will only feed their greed,
As with generation after generation,
They slowly plant the seed...

To buy, to buy,
To spend and spend,
To stock up on what you don't need,
Is the latest trend.

So buckle up kiddies,
Your in for the ride of your life,
Take the back seat to "Progress"
And you'll be what they fear;

Something original,
And not part of a chain,
Someone who has ideas,
Who has a fucking name.

Submitted on 2006-11-13 19:55:25 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  Yeah, great idea, and quite an impressive language. Some problems certain places as with rythm and rhyme. Still, this is very good.

So buckle up kiddies,
Your in for the ride of your life,
Take the back seat to "Progress"
And you'll be what they fear;

I have a problem with the word fear at the end here, as it doesnt rhyme with the rest, and puts an abrupt stop to the flow of the piece.

To buy, to buy,
To spend and spend,
To stock up on what you don't need,
Is the latest trend.

Here the third line is so long, and the rest so short, again stopping the flow.

Something original,
And not part of a chain,
Someone who has ideas,
Who has a [censored] name.

This last part however was very good! I loved your ending.. If you went over this one more time, it could be an asskicking poem!
And for someone your age, its very impressive..

Way to go-. :D
| Posted on 2006-11-14 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]
  I think this is a good idea for a poem, and parts of it are really nice. What I think could improve it considerably is working on the rhythm patterns. Your first two lines really roll on, three beats in each:

FASten your SEATbelts KIDdies
You're IN for the RIDE of your LIFE

This rhythm really makes me feel like I'm on some sort of rollercoaster or plane, just being pushed on by something which beyond your control, which is what you're trying to achieve, I think (cf the title). But then the next two lines do not fit this pattern and seem to fall flat. If you read you're whole poem out loud, I think you will feel that there are parts where this rollicking rhythm appears, and others where it's less interesting. I think it would be worth trying to make it so that I, the reader, am on a roller coaster from the beginning to the end and cannot get off.

Some nitpicking:
predominate > predominant (I suppose)
accumalate > accumulate

Thanks for a pleasant moment with your poem,
PH
| Posted on 2006-11-14 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
  It's pretty good. Love the idea of it... Watch the number of commas you throw in there (it gets a bit messy; you don't need one every time a line ends... or every time you breath, for that matter). Also watch the "your"s (your=possessive; you're=you are).

If you're going to do a form/rhyme pattern, then try to keep it going throughout the whole piece. ALTHOUGH, I'm glad you didn't try to rhyme "life" with the all-too generic "strife" or "blight" or whatever.... If you can't do the rhyme, then maybe change the form of those stanzas. Maybe try...:

Fasten your seatbelts
kiddies[: or --]
[You're] in for the ride
of your life.
Not for the eyes
of the elderly at heart,
We're gonna apply a little pressure now.

I don't know. That particular stanza has very choppy sentence structure, and the original looks better. And actually, looking at the other one, it's the same scenario... I have no idea. :P

It works the way it is, it's just some minor fixings that really only reflect the preferences of me and maybe two other people.

REALLY nice ideas....... rachel
| Posted on 2006-11-13 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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