I cared for a woman once
With hair longer than mine
It was silver and fell
Like a flowing river
Her mouth curved to meet it
When she chose to speak
And her crystalline eyes
Could never quite outshine it
There was more wealth
In its lushness than
The gold around her ankles
And when she left I felt its softness
Gliding through my hands.
Yeah, this was a short and lovely poem. Your imaginery was excellent, you have no problem feeding your reader with wonderfull pictures. It feels as real as the touch of my tapping the keyboard. Elegant and nice language, mature and reflective.
I love the rhythm it has. It flows with what appears to be no effort at all... Brief and beautiful. I can feel her hair, like silk (definitely powerful imagery)... one thing that I would suggest is not ending two sentences with "it." That just makes it sound very list-ish... although...... rereading it a few times, I'm not sure if it's such a bad thing (I'm a fan of occasional repitition...)... Yeah, so that pretty much did you no good.
Other than that, nothing really... and it's one of those things that depends on personal opinion.
--One other thing (though it doesn't matter to the integrity of the piece, just my own curiosity), what do you mean by
"Her mouth curved to meet it When she chose to speak"
I guess it's the "curved to meet it" part that's getting me. I know what you're saying, I just don't know how vital it is and in which direction the mouth is curving (my mind is a plate of spaghetti....). Like I said, it really doesn't matter. --pretty... I enjoyed it....... Rachel