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    dots Submission Name: Namelessdots

    Author: drowning_queen
    Elite Ratio:    5.44 - 245/270/52
    Words: 65
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 898
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 420

       I never asked her name that day but I fell in love with her hair.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I cared for a woman once
    With hair longer than mine
    It was silver and fell
    Like a flowing river
    Her mouth curved to meet it
    When she chose to speak
    And her crystalline eyes
    Could never quite outshine it
    There was more wealth
    In its lushness than
    The gold around her ankles
    And when she left I felt its softness
    Gliding through my hands.

    Submitted on 2006-11-13 20:26:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||

    Yeah, this was a short and lovely poem.
    Your imaginery was excellent, you have no problem feeding your reader with wonderfull pictures. It feels as real as the touch of my tapping the keyboard. Elegant and nice language, mature and reflective.

    Lovely piece,
    keep writing.. :D
    | Posted on 2006-11-14 00:00:00 | by ChrystalR | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the rhythm it has. It flows with what appears to be no effort at all... Brief and beautiful. I can feel her hair, like silk (definitely powerful imagery)... one thing that I would suggest is not ending two sentences with "it." That just makes it sound very list-ish... although...... rereading it a few times, I'm not sure if it's such a bad thing (I'm a fan of occasional repitition...)... Yeah, so that pretty much did you no good.

    Other than that, nothing really... and it's one of those things that depends on personal opinion.

    --One other thing (though it doesn't matter to the integrity of the piece, just my own curiosity), what do you mean by

    "Her mouth curved to meet it
    When she chose to speak"

    I guess it's the "curved to meet it" part that's getting me. I know what you're saying, I just don't know how vital it is and in which direction the mouth is curving (my mind is a plate of spaghetti....). Like I said, it really doesn't matter.
    --pretty... I enjoyed it....... Rachel
    | Posted on 2006-11-13 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]

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