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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Heat Is Risingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ACircuitShock
    ASL Info:    18/M/WA
    Elite Ratio:    3.53 - 221/243/40
    Words: 279
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1374
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1862



    Description:
       Hmmm... I don't know if I'm too happy about this one, I think it could use some work. I don't know though... tell me what you think!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHeat Is Risingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The heat is rising
    From the cracks in the pavement
    And spilling on to these dusty streets.
    It pollutes the air
    And as you inhale,
    It silently creeps into your lungs.
    But no one notices
    This blatant disease,
    No one feels the decay.
    After all,
    It's just another nuisance
    And we can't be bothered by such trivial affairs.
    It seeps into your breath,
    Like a thought, translucent,
    Aiming for the heart,
    Ripping it out slowly,
    And the veins slowly pull;
    Snapping away into red clouds of dust.

    Now you feel nothing,
    Not that you ever did before.
    Now you see nothing,
    Not that you ever looked before.

    And as a poor man begs
    Everyone just passes him by,
    And are reminded to take out the garbage.
    For all they know
    He could be an angel,
    Waiting to bless a kind soul
    Simply for a smile,
    A look of recognition,
    A simple justification of his existence.
    But they don't care
    Because the heat has won their soul.

    It has lain their hearts
    Upon the sidewalks
    For the dogs to gnaw on.
    Soon they begin to roll,
    Following the slope of the road
    Toward a small grate;
    They swiftly slip through it.
    All the souls
    Fall in the water
    And begin to boil
    In their own remorse.
    This creates a heat
    Which turns to a haze
    And soon it needs the sunlight.
    With groping fingers it searches the cracks,
    In pursuit of the sweet oxygen
    Just outside.
    And just as swiflty as before
    It slips back onto the streets
    But is quickly inhaled;
    It sees a feast.

    We create the heat.




    Submitted on 2004-05-28 16:50:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      geez you have to be one hell of an intelligent kid. this poem just drips with insight and wisdom. it's fascinating. your imagery just completely awes me. i never woulda thought of putting the idea of heat rising in a city to the (i don't even know how to explain it) i guess just the generally terrible way peolple treat each other, the earth.... everything. now i remember why i'm your biggest fan! lol.
    Star
    | Posted on 2004-06-01 00:00:00 | by shootingstar | [ Reply to This ]
      super duper. great imagery and flow...couple of spelling errors but wow you've really put alot into this. the whole bit about the poor man was insightful. good work
    | Posted on 2004-05-28 00:00:00 | by pyrestarter | [ Reply to This ]
      wow...this is really quite moving. im an environmentalist hippie 20 year old Bowie idealist tho, so i feel the pain that the world feels when i read this. its true, though...how sad. and the people that are on the streets...they sleep in this miserable heat. how do we all keep polluting the earth while the things we can shut our doors and windows to at night are some people's beds and vents, poisonous ventilators. its sick and disappointing. thanks a lot for this one. its really genuine and speaks volumes.
    ~leper m
    | Posted on 2004-05-28 00:00:00 | by leper messiah | [ Reply to This ]
      And as a poor man begs
    Everyone just passes him by,
    And are reminded to take out the garbage.

    There is a poem right in those three lines friend.

    As for the piece as a whole, I agree it needs work. The second half, from the above lines on sounds good, but it's like the parts aren't all from the same puzzle. I'm sure you will get it handled. Have fun.
    | Posted on 2004-05-28 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked this. a little hard to read, meaning the structure was a bit off, though your words were very descriptive. its interesting how it all fits together. Great ideas here. great job.
    | Posted on 2004-05-28 00:00:00 | by roxygirl239 | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked that one. it's sad but it's the truth. and you've painted vey vivid pictures in my mind, I almost saw a movie.
    like it as it is but when you won't to work on it then do it. but I'm at a loss for feedback.
    | Posted on 2004-05-29 00:00:00 | by eve1684 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really insightful and provides for some great imagery. overall this is an extremely good piece, but some parts were, to me, quite funny (although i don't think they were supposed to be). Ex: the lines that says: Soon they begin to roll,
    Following the slope of the road
    For some reason they remind me of the girl in Willie Wondka and the Chocolate Factory where the girl turns into a blueberry and rolls around and stuff... heehehee... ahem, sorry. i found one part interesting where you said: Because the heat has won their soul: its different than the normal idea that coldness shows a numbness, an insensitivity, whereas heat usually signifies passion or love. i like the way that you switched things around. very nice!
    -dandan
    | Posted on 2004-05-29 00:00:00 | by Dandan | [ Reply to This ]


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